Freshers: What not to bring

The looming stench of vomit and loneliness can only mean one thing: Freshers Week is approaching. For all you first years, it’s time to start packing up your belongings and waving goodbye to the safety of home.

Since you’re already swamped with useless lists of what you should bring to uni (“don’t forget to pack your undies!”), here’s a quick roundup of what you should just leave at home. Or burn. 

Your precious Leavers hoodie can stay

An eyesore comparable only to the fake Oxford Uni hoodies tourists so happily prance around the city in. We don’t care if you haven’t slept or you’re out rowing in the rain, nothing says ‘obnoxious fresher’ more than one of these things. If you’re after a sense of belonging, join a sports team or, better yet, try to make a friend.

Style points: 0

Just like those high heels.

Same goes for self-tanner and fake eyelashes. No one makes an effort to go clubbing here. By 3rd year you’ll even forget makeup exists. While everyone else rolls out of the library for a quick Park End or heads out in fancy dress after a bop, you’ll look like a twat in bodycon and stilettos.

If nothing else, it’s impractical getup for the abominable shapes you’ll soon be pulling to “Don’t Stop Believing”. Did we already mention that we can smell the disappointment?

A tumble on the Wahoo stairs guaranteed

There’s no place for your clichéed red trousers here

Hate to break it to you, but this isn’t the Oxford of yesteryear, despite what Riot Club may lead you to believe.

So don’t be that guy – unless of course you are going to Christ Church.

What the [majority] of Oxford no longer looks like

Don’t waste space on running shoes either

Bit ambitious. Sleep trumps keeping fit.

Putting them on is one step closer to exercising right?

Time to get over tight crop tops as well

So #basic, so SS14

Sorry, not sorry if you were planning on winning the hearts of men across Oxford with your bare midsection. Once you’ve comfort-eaten your way through every essay crisis, you’ll be delighted that it’s time to say goodbye to this revealing trend. It’s SO last season. 

That said, don’t forget your tuxes and cocktail dresses or you’ll have nothing to wear to 99% of Oxford events.