What it’s like to go to a campus uni

There’s nowhere to hide

In a rush? Not feeling your best? Suffering from the effects of a mad one at the SU? (£1.90 VKs? Bargain – thanks London pricing).

Don’t worry: every single person you know will bump into you on your way into uni, waiting to ask you about that essay you haven’t finished while you desperately search for a tree to casually hide behind.

Potentially the worst place for this at uni is the blind corner at Bedford Library. All of your so-called “friends” (if you’re making me late, you’re no friend to me) will be spilling out of those double doors, armed with boredom and an unstoppable urge to procrastinate.

Note to lurkers: if I’m panting and red faced from struggling up the hill to campus, if I’m half-dressed with scarves thrown haphazardly around my neck and if I’ve a half-eaten piece of toast hanging out of my mouth, it’s unlikely I want to chit chat about that dissertation deadline.

Nothing to see here

The uni bubble is no myth

It’s easy to not leave campus for weeks on end. Third year Hannah told The Tab: “I didn’t leave campus for 3 weeks when I was a fresher, everything I needed was here so it really didn’t seem necessary”.

While it might seem fine and dandy to never leave and pootle along to lectures, your room and the SU, eventually Egham fever will get you and you’ll have to leave. Symptoms of Egham fever include: not having a bloody clue what’s happening in the rest of the world, claustrophobic panic attacks and paranoia that your flatmate/roommate/lecturer is plotting to kill you.

You start to get sloppy

Suddenly brushing your hair before you head to lectures seems like too much effort. Not a big deal in itself, but soon it escalates. Basic hygiene becomes unattainable, you describe your pyjama bottoms as “shaggy chic” and wear them to seminars, and for some mysterious reason your friends don’t want to spend time with you anymore.

This, my friends, is because campus begins to feel like home and you’re not going out into the real world anymore, somewhere you might actually feel enough shame to make you put on matching shoes. If you’re staying on campus it’s about the same as going out into your back garden to hang the washing out – what’s the point?

A fine example of shaggy chic

Don’t bother trying to forget that ‘mistake’ from Freshers week

Once upon a time, you couldn’t imagine how you’d ever bump into Richard “You can call me the Ruzzler” again after that naughty night of drunken debauchery but how wrong you were. Your pal “Ruzzler” is actually your flatmate’s lab partner – who knew, hey? Get ready for a year of awkward run-ins, steamy glances across the quad and protestations that you mistook him for your fit lecturer. And you thought his monocle was sexy.

The Freshers’ 15 is no joke

You’ve moved into Founders and suddenly food and drink is no more than five minutes away at any time. Pizza at Crosslands is readily available for those night-time (or morning… or afternoon) cravings. What with the lack of exercise from never leaving campus, the weight starts to pile on. Just wait until you’ve moved out, you’ll feel the pain of the hill in no time as you struggle to campus with textbooks and your love handles weighing you down.

Psyching myself up before braving the hill

Good luck to you all.