Everyone you’ll see in a lecture

Yes, lectures are a time for learning and complaining about paying £9000 a year for watching PowerPoint slides which move way too fast . But they are also a time for zoning out and observing the diverse, and often strange, group of people that you are surrounded by.

No matter the subject, there’s always a stock set of groups in your lecture. We’ve collated the definitive list of everyone you will encounter in a lecture over the course of your degree.

The one who always walks in late

Nobody is more chilled than this person. Everybody on your course knows them but nobody actually knows their name. Who is this mythical creature who nonchalantly strolls in half an hour late to every lecture without a care in the world? Do they not feel the daggers being shot in their direction from the lecturer? Do they feel no shame being gawped at by those who were there from the start?

And why are they incapable of rectifying their poor time management? Someone buy this kid a watch.

The laptop clique

This lot certainly get money their money’s worth at University.

They arrive 10 minutes early and sit at the front of the lecture theatre to ensure good seating and comfort levels. They then arrange their Triplus Fineliners in colour order from light to dark, get out their rulers, post-it notes, compasses, and calculator – even though we all know they won’t use them once. Once the lecture starts, they type faster than the average person can think. Just listening to the chorus of clicking gives every other student a severe headache. People see their enthusiasm and vow to work harder, only to nap instead.

Bunch of try hards.

The squad in full force

The ones suffering from a Corp hangover

A definite must-see during every Thursday lecture. An easily identifiable group: they’re normally sat at the back of the lecture theatre, smelling of alcohol masked by Chanel perfume. Classy.

Minimal note taking is made by these valiant soldiers who made it in against all the odds. They take it in turns to turn green and clammy, swaying slowly – one of them is sure to make a bee line for the nearest bin and vomit soon.

Despite ill health though this squad still manage to gossip through the lecture:

“Omg I can’t believe Sophie went home with Jake!!!”

“I can still taste last night’s blue pint”

“Guys I’m gonna throw up”

“Why aren’t we in bed?”

The Netflix fiend

Everybody wants to be this guy but nobody is quite brave enough. The Neflix Fiend treats lectures as a time to binge watch their favourite series, prioritising Breaking Bad over their lecturer’s droning voice. They’re not quite badass enough not to turn up at all, so instead they treat the lecture theatre as a cinema.

The obsessive yik-yakker behind them takes photos and gets 500 upvotes.

Priorities

The mob of mature students

Usually sat in close proximity to ‘The Laptop Clique’, who see them as intellectual competition. Everybody else is a little bit scared of them, partly because they remind you of your Mum when they passive-aggressively tell you to be quiet and partly being older, they seem to give off a more intelligent aurora than yourself. A rather intimidating squad.

However the competition between mature and younger students is much like the Uni of and Hallam relationship. Non-existent and kind of awkward.

The hibernator

The night-time is for eating and lectures are for sleeping – this is the philosophy of the hibernator, who eyes up the wooden desks in Hicks selecting the perfect napping spot. They don’t care if they appear on Spotted: University of Sheffield Facebook page- it would probably be an achievement.

No need for a duvet or a pillow- this creature can sleep anywhere.

The one that always wears their sports team uniform

There’s a particular type of person who always, without fail, turns up to the lecture in their sports uniform. They’re so rarely sighted in ordinary clothes it’s like they don’t even have any. Cheerleaders are a major offender of this, you can spot a Sabrecat a mile off in their black and gold hoodie. The moment they walk into the lecture theatre all eyes roll and elbows are nudged.

But we can’t knock them too much, because deep down we all know we’d secretly love to own the uniform too.

The indie crew

This squad dedicates their mornings to crafting the edgiest outfit possible, picking out their favourite doc martens, vintage jumper from Cow and most politically correct tote bag. The irony with this clique is their desperate attempts to look edgy, in fact, make them all look incredibly similar.

Typically though, this group does make you question how much effort you should be putting in yourself for lecture chic.

The one that eats in lectures

From Mini Cheddars to dried mango, this is the student who’s bag is filled with every kind of food. They spend the lecture opening packets deafeningly loudly, molding their cheese strings in to different shapes sizes and burping on the sly. No shame whatsoever, but as long as their tummy is full they really couldn’t care less.

Round of applause for the lack of shame

The one that asks questions

It’s two minutes until the end of the lecture and everyone is discreetly gathering their bags ready to escape from the absolute torture of a two hour lecture. As the lecturer clicks on the last PowerPoint slide, tensions are high as the students get ready to dash from the lecture theater. Just as one individual thinks “this seems like the perfect opportunity to ask an in-depth question” As they raise their hand, everyone in the room, including the lecturer, sigh in unison.

Some people are just too enthusiastic.

The sniffer

Full of cold but also full of enthusiasm for their studies, this student would attend a lecture even if they had broken every bone in their body. So instead of staying in bed, they generously subject every other student to the torture of listening to their cold. It starts with a few sniffs, but by the end of the lecture they have tried every remedy going, from cleansing their sinuses to rubbing vicks all over their body. Nice.

Short hand sniffles