How to terrify your parents when they visit you at uni

It’s that time of year when the ‘rents have decided enough is enough, they can’t hold off any longer, they need to pay their darling pride and joy a visit at university. Gone are the days of being mollycoddled at home, but to the horror of mummy and daddy their style of living hasn’t rubbed off on you.

Starving to death? Check. Possibility of catching some infectious disease? Check. Parents jumping to the extreme conclusion that your house is descending into a sex and drug fuelled hell hole? Double check.

Here is a check list of things to leave lying around to traumatise your parents. Impact of terror will depend on your number of siblings, how close you are, and how highly strung they are.

Miscellaneous road signs lying around

Ah, the classic road sign. One of the great stereotypes associated with students living in halls. Standard road signs, traffic cone-cum- megaphones and shopping trolleys, we’ve all been there. Lugging one back at 4am post-night out is almost a first year must and they make the perfect decorative accessory to welcome your parents back for their return visit. After all, they’ll be curious to know what you’ve been up to and they sure do love theft of public property.

A bare fridge with nothing in but a bit of mouldy fruit and fridge juice

Mould, curdled milk, rotting veg and that infamous juice lurking below – all components of a grimy student fridge. In the weeks leading up to uni, mum had been whittling on about kitchen hygiene and a peek into this store of slime will confirm those very fears. Whatever you do, don’t let her regretfully reach for it to grab a quick drink or snack, because she’ll be back on the M1 before she can say food poisoning.

Mmmm, fridge juice.

An abundance of empty bottles of own brand vodka

Littered around the living room, piled high in the bins as an attempt to hide the evidence, or displayed in pride of place lined up in your window. They sit there staring at your parents, those three disheartening words “Sainsbury’s Basics Vodka” emblazoned in orange and white.

There are so many layers to why your parents will be haunted by these, whether it be alluding to lack of money, alcoholism, lack of dignity, poor life choices or a combination of all. Here’s hoping that they take pity and buy you a nice bottle of bubbly ey?

Your one night stand

So this is the big one, the absolute worst case scenario, a literal code red. You’ve been out, had a great night and have bought someone back with you. Your phone keeps ringing under your pillow and in your sleepy state you have forgotten that your parents are, in fact, trying to get in the front door. The initial panic gives way to practicality, can they get out the skylight? Will a lump under the duvet be noted by your eagle-eyed father? The only real option is to embrace the shame in your parents eyes as the realisation dawns and they piece together the way to react to the awkward impending conversation.

A housemate returning from a one night stand

You’re aware of the awkwardness of the situation, your housemate is aware, and most importantly your parents are aware of whats going down. It may not be you, thank Christ, but that won’t stop mummy and daddy jumping to the conclusion that your house is turning into a sex fuelled hell hole. Somehow they point the finger of shame at you, which is, quite frankly, unfair as you didn’t even have the payoff of a shag.

A gargantuan pile of washing up

The washing up situation in your kitchen can only be described as a critical biological hazard. There is undeniably something alive in and around the dishes and it probably will kill you in the near future. The mere sight of the mound is enough to send your mother into a flat panic and before you can blink she’s got her industrial strength cleaning products out and marigolds that could fit a whole person in. The rant while she disinfects the place will be something to behold so strap in.

Mould in your room

If the state of the fridge wasn’t enough, the patches of mould growing on your walls and round window frames will send mum into overdrive.  As winter arrives and temperatures drop, your room reaches an arctic climate and that lovely fungus stuff starts developing thick and fast. Antibac wipes have been used to no avail and there’s certainly no disguising it. With the thought of you catching some sort of respiratory infection, your parents are absolutely horrified and call for a full home blitz fumigation.

Your communal chunder or shag chart

It was banter between you and your flatmates documenting every pull, shag and spew that’s taken place. What could be funnier than being so drunk you vomit out of your nose or going home with some random from Corp? It’s a shame ma and pa caught sight of it in pride of place on your pinboard. It’s an even bigger shame that you have racked up an impressive tally on each category. Pretend your parents haven’t just realised the extent of you catastrophic lifestyle, and you haven’t been written out of their will.

Drugs