It’s time to stop pretending we all like Corp

Arriving in Sheffield as a fresher, everyone will undoubtedly hear about the infamous Corp. The stories told – the grimy floor, the blue pint, the unique “Corp hangover” – give the club a notorious reputation within Sheffield’s nightlife. However, after about ten minutes of dancing to cheesy mid-noughties pop, think Smashmouth or Busted, you realise that the club is nothing more than a novelty.

It’s time to accept that Corp is overrated and nobody actually thinks they’re going to have a good time when they fish out their shirt and tie on a Wednesday.

Say goodbye to hygiene

Corp is known for its stifling, sticky atmosphere but nothing can actually prepare you for being bunched up amongst hundreds of drunk people waving their drinks in the air and spilling its fluorescent contents all over themselves. The dark airless rooms make even the least claustrophobic of us nervous.

It’s best not touch anything, don’t lean on the walls and don’t cling to the banister as you make your way down the impossible stairs.

It just looks tragic

After spending half the night awkwardly dancing with your friends in the two millimeters of movable space, you managed to find you feel it’s time to make a trip to the toilets. Big mistake. After queuing for what feels like most of your life you might be greeted by toilets without seats, doors without locks and an assortment of unpleasant surprises within the toilets themselves which will leave you wondering “do people actually do that in a club?”

A School Disco, really?

The most famous, or at least the only night students care about, at Corp is the ‘skool disco’. However, the incorrect spelling of school is nothing more than an awkward attempt to appear cool and ‘down with the kids’. The whole night has a dated tacky feel and a white shirt is probably the worst item of clothing to wear in a club that sells neon drinks.

The Corp pint

The infamous blue pint. Famous enough to be noted on Corp’s Wikipedia page as ‘essential to the experience’, the blue pint is a mixture of vodka and cheap alcopop. The enigma of the Corp pint is known by all, but does anyone even like them? All it’s going to do is probably speed up the process of tooth decay.

Don’t get too attached to your shoes

You’re not too sure what exactly makes the floor at Corp so sticky but you know it’s definitely not good for you. Think of a real life manifestation of the song ‘Stickin’ to the floor’ by Arctic Monkeys and the knowledge that anything dropped on the floor is most likely gone forever.

Before making your first trip to Corp you will be warned of the detrimental effects to your shoes, people don’t have a  pair of ‘Corp shoes’ for no reason, say goodbye to your once relatively clean shoes as they will become covered with an ominous gunge and harbour that sweet Corp smell for ever more. Surely the horror stories of the kid who grew mould on their trainers after going to Corp should be enough to put you off for good.

The Corp smell

The indescribable yet instantly recognisable smell. It sticks to you, your clothes, hair, and nostrils and lingers for long after you’ve made your escape. No one wants to be the person sat in their Thursday seminar radiating the scent of Corp, knocking both themselves and the poor soul sat next to them sick.

PDA overload

Alcohol is known to help lower you inhibitions and while this isn’t always a bad thing, it means that your brain doesn’t always make the best decisions. Corp especially seems to be some sort of haven of terrible decision making, causing students to engage in obscene levels of PDA in front of a crowd of both simultaneously amused and uncomfortable onlookers. Grim.

 No one is ever glad they went

There seems to be an unwritten rule that nobody makes it to closing time at Corp, despite closing outrageously early at half two. A typical night ends with a grim walk home after someone drank too much. You’re not too bothered though as you’ve been wanting to leave since the first song finished.

You trail behind your friends hoping someone will stop off at the nearest takeaway as you realise you’ve spent the entire night feeling hungry. There is a burger van within the smoking area but no one who values their stomach would dare eat anything it sold. Also, if you’re spending a night out thinking about food and going home, why are you even there?

From the dress up to the drinks, and you can’t help but feel a sense of disappointment that you actually paid money to stand in a room belting out cringe-worthy songs you’d rather forget existed.

It’s not even like there’s a shortage of alternative nights out in Sheffield. The Leadmill is known for its gigs and also hosts a decent range of club nights, or variety of cheap and creatively named drinks can be found in West Street Live. Even the Students’ Union nights aren’t as tediously boring as Corp and won’t leave you feeling like your general health is declining.

Nobody actually enjoys a night out at Corp, they endure it. It’s time we stopped pretending to like the blue pints and leave Corp behind once and for all.