Every type of procrastinator you’ll meet in Sheffield

There are two types of people when it comes to working: the ones who work, and the ones who avoid it all costs. The divide becomes ever more evident as you approach deadline and exam season where half of your friends will barricade themselves in the IC to force knowledge into their brains, whilst the other half will do everything they can to avoid it.

No procrastinator is the same, and here is a list defining all the types you will almost certainly meet in the next few years in Sheffield.

“Working hard”

The generic procrastinator

You’ll find this person sat in their dressing gown at 5pm watching reruns of bad TV shows. Their day will have been spent binge watching Netflix and looking at cute pictures of dogs on Instagram. You’re unsure if this persona actually has any work to do or if they’re just hanging around because they don’t want to go home. Either that, or they genuinely just don’t care whether they pass or fail.

The one who won’t leave you alone

This person is everywhere you go. Going into the kitchen to get a glass of water? Guess who’s there. Going to the bathroom? They’ll appear from behind the shower curtain. Wherever you go, whatever you do, this person is ready and waiting to pounce. Constantly finding reasons to knock at your door to tell you something completely random, this person will find any reason to come and chat before dropping the classic “So, how much work have you managed to do line?”

Talking about how little revision you’ve done won’t help you once you get into the exam.

“So, how much work have you done today?”

The cleaner

“I just can’t focus when I know it’s messy”. This is the main justification for the cleaner. “I’ll start once I’ve cleaned all of the mugs congregating on my windowsill”, they’ll say. “Just let me tidy my socks away”. Got some rubbish in your room you need sorting? This person will deal with it.

This person may be putting themselves in danger of failing their exams but hey, at least the house is clean for once.

The “procrastin-eater”

“Just nipping out for a quick lunch” is their most commonly used phrase. You know their Instagram photos of Steamyard donuts and Harley burgers will easily put your mouldy pasta sauce jar to shame. Every time you see this person they seem to be eating something new, from Sainsbury’s cookies to John’s Van this person uses eating as a justification for not working. After all, how are you supposed to work on an empty stomach?

Ready for a long day of procrastinating

The “party like it’s freshers” persona

“You out tonight?”

Regardless of how close their exams are, this person still hasn’t managed to make the transition from fresher to actual student. “Corp?” you hear them holler from the bottom of the stairs. “No, sorry, I threw my shirt, tie and mouldy shoes out months ago.”

Their days are spent in a cycle of pre-drinks, club, Oasis Pizza and finally surfacing from their room at half two in the afternoon hungover. “You out tonight?” they’ll say. “No thanks, the exam is tomorrow.”

The productive procrastinator

It’s not actually procrastination if you’re doing something substantial right? This person will justify their lack of substantial work by telling you about all the other super-useful things they have done. Why revise when you can re-join the gym, apply for a new job, visit the peaks or become fluent in German? Surely it’s not wasting time if you’re accomplishing all the goals you made on your year 10 bucket list? After all, it’s only procrastination if you’re not doing anything substantial.

Bonus points if they start learning about a topic that isn’t relate to their degree.

Looking busy does not count as revision

The false procrastinator

This person has mastered living the double life. Their desk filled with nice stationary, with multi-coloured pens, highlighters, cute notepads, and it puts your half-chewed pen to shame, doesn’t it? This person seems to actually have their life together. You’ll see them heading off to Western Bank library each morning and returning around tea time to tell you about their hard work, despite the fact that you saw their every move on snapchat. Little do you know that this is all a front, this procrastinator is putting all their time and effort into simply looking busy while not actually accomplishing anything substantial.

Sitting in front of an open book all day while not actually reading it does not count as revision.