How to WIN in the SUSU Elections

SUSU Elections have rolled around again and The Tab is here to provide the bright eyed and bushy tailed candidates with some Top Tips on how to secure that election win and confirm their BNOC status.

Destroying your opponents is also a good plan, if a little bloody

Cool slogans are the way forward. Think “Oh Really, O’Reilly” or “Fitz Up, Look Sharp” from previous years. Surely every candidate can spin out some sort of pun from their name? Chin up if your name is David Jones or something equally mundane, you’ll have to campaign on actual policy ideas – and no one wants that!

It’s scientifically proven that tall people win more elections. Even George Bush managed to hold on to a second term because he was taller than John Kerry (maybe…) If you’re vertically challenged, try stilts or leg extension surgery if you’re really desperate for the SUSU top job.

This year sees a new addition to the elections timetable, a dedicated week of online only campaigning. Good news for all of you out there failing your degrees due to social media addiction, you can put your “skills” to use. Facebook’s “People You May Know” tool is your friend here; simply add everyone who you have a mutual friend with and bingo! You’re well on your way to getting a captive audience to spam with elections-related invites. Twitter is the new challenger to good ol’ facey-b. Try getting your own hashtag trending by simply baiting Beliebers into retweeting your gurning face with the #votesusu tag. Perhaps try #BeiberVoteForme or similar. Remember, everything that goes on #votesusu will end up plastered over the SUSU website so put your faith into quantity over quality.

Don’t believe the patriarchy ladies! Whilst women may not enter as many elections as men, when they do they have a better chance of success. Try going for a male dominated position, statistics are on your side. Men, don’t try and manipulate this by cross dressing. It will definitely backfire.

Outstanding credentials are useful

CV stuffing is basically what elections are about. Beef out your manifesto with every position of vague responsibility you have ever held. Whether you were comic book society deputy treasurer or a whiteboard monitor at primary school, both are excellent credentials. It’s probably too late to get on society committees now, but SUSU always have some gapped positions on their multitude of committees, get yourself embedded with the clique for next year

So you’re a short man with a boring name and no internet connection (if so, how are you reading this? I digress…) Never fear, you can always rely on basic human impulses to win you a vote. Bright colours attract our eyes, like bees to delicious pollen. Run with a bright colour like orange and you’ll stick out from the crowd. Blue is pretty subdued, as is purple. Bright lime green or shocking pink will make you look like a fool but may just grab you some votes.