You will now be a criminal if you fail to repay your student loan

When we were born, university was free. You could rock up for a three year bender and leave with a job, virtually no debt and no guilt for skipping all your lectures. As we hit primary school this all changed and in 1998 the Labour government introduced fees of up to £1,000 per year. Fair enough, everyone thought at the time, not many people go anyway  so I suppose it’s fair.

2010

In 2004 fees were raised to £3000 and people began to grow anxious about when this rise was going to end. Then, out of nowhere in 2010, a Tory-Lib Dem coalition led by Cameron and Clegg (who takes most of the stick, bless), KO’d us all with a £6000 a year rise meaning the average student would graduate with £27,000 in education debt alone. Now everyone was angry. We all painted posters, grabbed megaphones and headed to the streets where we walked around a bit in a display of solidarity and anger.

The government pretty much went ‘fuck off’ and we did, the protests were consigned to the history books and the odd lefty union member and we got back on with our lives thinking “well, at least it won’t get any worse.”

And then today happened. Jo Johnson (Boris’ ghoulish looking brother), the universities minister, announced that if we fail to pay back the debt he and his mates have imposed on us all, we’ll face prosecution. This announcement comes from a man who’s finished studying at Eton before embarking on four separate degrees himself. Four. A man who has overseen the stripping of grants, the tripling of fees and implemented a freeze on the threshold at which you have to replay your girthy loan back.

Jo Johnson: “As more loans are issued to new students each year, it is vital the repayment process is robust, convenient for borrowers, and working efficiently to ensure the sustainability of the student finance system, and value for money, for the taxpayer.

“We will act to recover loan repayments where it is clear borrowers are seeking to avoid repayment, consider the use of sanctions against borrowers who breach loan repayment terms and, if necessary, prosecute.”

Cheers mate

The government claim they will now “take stronger action to trace borrowers and act to recover money owed where it is clear that they are seeking to avoid repayment”. This means the fantasies you’ve kid yourself with about moving abroad are no longer possible and instead you’ll be sued, your credit rating will be destroyed and you’ll have to live in a bin your entire life because, let’s face it, renting isn’t getting easier and you’ll never be able to buy.

The more we see of this government, the more it seems the only thing Cameron enjoys fucking more than dead pigs, is us.