What do people really think about your uni?

‘I thought that was a sixth form college?’

| UPDATED

Now don’t get offended, but we asked people around the country what they really thought about your uni. This is more influential than any league table and probably more divisive than any chant at a Varsity match.

Aberystwyth

Everyone knows that if you’re at Aberystwyth, it’s because you couldn’t get into a better Welsh university (aka Cardiff). Yes, Aber may have offered you an unconditional, but they hand those out like they’re going out of fashion. You’re not special. Why someone would choose to go to University in a place that has only 3 nightclubs is beyond me. Don’t be jealous, Aberystwyth, I’m sure your 2:1 from a below average University will get you really far. – Mared Parry, Cardiff

Mared Parry, Cardiff

Aston

“People vaguely say things about you being a ‘business uni’ or ‘not a poly’, but in the time it’s taken me to type this I’m already wondering what city you’re in and why anyone chose you as a place of study.”

Bangor 

Gogs. The only word for the residents of the utter pig sty is gogs. Born and bred in the Welsh mountains around Snowdonia and the mining regions such as Bethesda, you never encountered other civilisations until you left your valley and so the grey, drab and frankly soul crushing environment of Bangor represses the fear of people and society. And stop crying about ‘Bitch Hill’, you’re not the only ones to ever have to walk up a hill and no one cares. – Nathan Coogan, Aberystwyth

Bath

Perma-tanned, athletic figures squeezed into suits and sent off for soulless work placements halfway through their degree. Nobody at Bath is fun because everyone is too worried about offending a future employer. In an eerie parallel, no clubs at Bath are fun because the residents are too worried about offending their heritage and so they’re all tucked underground and hidden from view. – Craig O’Callaghan, Bristol

Belfast

“People shitting down chimneys while drinking Buckfast.”

Birmingham

Despite being one of the larger unis everyone always seems to forget about Birms, though it really tries to it just can’t escape it’s own irrelevancy. Does anyone actually aspire to go, or do they just see it on the league tables and suddenly remember that it’s actually quite a good uni? Warning: the medics run this place and they fucking love it – they tell me they just don’t speak to humanities students on principle. – Charley Scoggins, Royal Holloway

Beckett 

“Have you seen that video of the Leeds Met rugby orgy? That’s what we think of you. That and you live for Pryzm.” – Jack Cummings, Leeds.

Bristol

Students at the University of Bristol will always get better grades than most. Students at Bristol might earn a little more money when they graduate than others. Students at Bristol will always be fucking losers. Even in the party capital of the UK, it’s possible to kill the mood at any shindig by inviting Sebastian from UoB. Whether they were haggled with in a tinny-filled kitchen, cornered in a smoke-filled garden or gazed at in awe when chirpsing a girl, anyone that’s ever partied in Bristol knows the horrors of having to reluctantly engage with them. No one wants to talk about Herodotus at a party. They suck. – Reuben Nash, UWE

Brookes

“Thick but fit” is the phrase used to describe Brookes students. Maybe it’s just because they’re compared against Oxford University students, and maybe it’s just because they are in general, really fit. It’s probably one of the cleverest polys though, to be fair. I once heard that Oxford students refer to Brookes as “The early learning centre”.

Cambridge

“You only need to be a 6/10 to be fit in Cambridge.”

Cardiff 

“I go to a Russell group uni” you told all your mates and you Nan, but in truth does Cardiff even really belong in the Russell Group. If you go to Cardiff everyone knows that you’re more interested in the way you look compared to just about anything else, you think your so “en flique” in your H&M gear as you take a cute squad selfie in front of the castle. Cardiff is the biggest joke in the league tables and everyone knows it. – Nathan Coogan, Aberystwyth

Cardiff Met

Nobody does a good degree at Cardiff Met, it’s just a fact. Those that managed to upgrade from ‘Sports Management’ to ‘Business Management’ are regarded as the cream of the crop, the creme de la Cyncoed campus. Full of the future PE teachers and terrible dancers, they’ll cleverly avoid mentioning the M word (met), by saying things like, “yeah, I study IN Cardiff” or, “I’m not a complete fucking moron I promise”, but they’re fooling nobody. If Cardiff Met became a real life person there’s only one name it’d have which perfectly encapsulates just how awful a place it is, and it’s genuinely the name of a Cardiff Met Halls of Residence: Neville. – Ben Foreman, UCL

Chester 

“Is that the uni in Hollyoaks?” “There’s a uni there?”

Durham 

You’re correct if you think we all stereotype you as vaguely intelligent Oxbridge failures. Considering you’re all from Surrey it’s bizarre that you’ve found your way this far up the country. Prior to Michaelmas term, did you even know the North existed? You weren’t quite clever enough to get into Oxbridge, but you’ll blame it on the state school quotas and “really fucking spacey” interview questions. After your sentence at boarding school ended all too soon for them, mummy and daddy were only too happy to pack you off and out of the way to the bitter North, trust fund in tow. Everyone here is determined to go big in every way possible in a bid to prove that they’re not just immensely bored. Oh, and palatinate is NOT a colour, get over yourselves and join the real world. – Charley Scoggins, Royal Holloway

Dundee

“People here still listen to Linkin Park.”

Edinburgh

You’d expect Edinburgh to be like book One Day: vast townhouses with huge sash windows
and chandeliers housing Millie and Tarquin from the home counties. They host dinner parties every Thursday and there’s not a Scottish accent in sight, but they’re still appropriating kilts as their own. It is a bit like that, actually, except there’s a lot of international students and far too many hills.

“I imagine you can go to Edinburgh uni and never actually meet anyone from Scotland.”

“Edinburgh is just an empty canvas – beautiful from the outside, but with no character and substance. All the people in it are just arrogant arseholes.”

Exeter 

You’d think the copious amounts of Surrey residents heading to the south-west would leave the area somewhat classy, and when it’s busy the streets are lined with beautiful blondes in full lacrosse kit strolling between campus and Birks, rugged rugby lads meandering around in their short shorts and sliders, and Ralph Lauren adorned students nailing Koppaberg’s in the Impy’s beer garden. But behind this glorious, preppy facade, lies the fact that Exeter is an absolute shit hole. Located in the depressing south west, just below nowhere, slightly east of fuck all, this coastal town features everything awful about the home town you left behind: miserable locals, a horrendous high street and a tragic, tragic night life. – Ben Foreman, UCL

Glasgow 

The most pretentious place on the planet outside of Oxbridge or Durham. They’re utterly obsessed with their hip, cool image, smugly lording it over Aberdeen and Edinburgh with street cred earned by the city, not the students. That the UK’s second cereal cafe opened in Glasgow is testament to the truth of this. In fact, Glasgow students are guilty of more cultural appropriation than a white boy wearing a Sombrero – they take everything good about Glasgow and claim ownership. Glasgow students level charges at their rivals of being too poly, too English, too posh – most Glasgow students level those charges because they failed to get into Edinburgh or St Andrews in the first place. You can be sure they’re just as posh and English, they’re just quieter about it. The city is great, but the students are unoriginal, laying claim to something that has nothing to do with them.

Hull

Wait, people actually go here voluntarily?

John Moores 

When I told my friend from John Moores that I was thinking about going to uni, she told me not to apply to JM unless I wanted to waste the government’s cash, learn how to avoid drug dealers named “Big Dave”, and perfect the art of putting vodka in my eye at pres without my fake eyelashes coming off. Says it all, really.

Keele

If the closest “town” to you is Stoke-On-Trent, you don’t need to be told how irrelevant you are. You should already know. – Marisa Lee

“A service station on the way to the North.”

Kent 

Kent can be summed up by one thing – the dry, dusty, chewy chicken burger they serve up from a hatch after nights at the SU. “Ooooh we’ve got food out of a hatch!” Yeah, real quirky. The burger lasts too long, as does any visit to Kent. And half way through, you realise you would’ve been better staying away. Face it, circling isn’t original and having a collegiate system doesn’t count for anything. – Tom Jenkin, Nottingham

King’s 

You thought you were going to the best London university and then you got here and realised that’s actually UCL. You have more campuses than close friends and spend most of your time at uni in your own segregated group of friends (especially if you’re a medic). You insist that your time at King’s is actually going to be fantastic preparation for when you’re a graduate living and working in London but the real truth is you’re just not having any fun.

Lancaster

At every university there is that one shy, polite, easily impressionable young chap who gets far too drunk in freshers’ week from the crate of San Miguel his mother left him, and embarrasses himself only to be reminded of it for the rest of his uni career. At York, literally everyone is like this. They live in a world where Abercrombie is still the height of cool, and think Vans are an acceptable footwear choice. The veritable Sixth-Form of Russell Group unis. – Callum McCulloch, York

Leeds

You know that a uni is shit when the students there tell you it’s not with a suspicious regularity. You’ll be told day after day how awesome the clubs are in Leeds, but that’s about all you’ll hear. Yes, you’ve moved to uni and put a couple of pills in your mouth – that doesn’t make you fun, nor the uni good. It’s no wonder everyone at Leeds loves drugs so much, what else are they going to do to get over living somewhere as shit as Hyde Park? – Ben Foreman, UCL

Leicester

“No one realised you existed until you won the Premier League. No one gives a shit about Richard III.”

Lincoln

– Matt McDonald, Exeter

Liverpool

“Redbrick don’t mean shit. It’s by far the worst uni in the Russell Group and the nightlife is supposed to be unparalleled. Plot twist, Concer Square is shit. And you can brag all you want about ket, it’s probably just plant food.”

Liverpool Hope

“The name says it all. Without any B’s at GCSE, hope is all they have.” – Marisa Lee, Liverpool

“Boys aren’t allowed in girls rooms at their halls. What is this, America?” – Lucy Kehoe, Liverpool

Loughborough

Loughborough students are like grizzled veterans of war. Yes, many of them go on to become world-class athletes – but what did they have to do to get there? How many pints of lukewarm piss were swilled? How many stubby thumbs went into each others’ arses? Does anyone genuinely enjoy going here? If you answer the question “where did you go to uni” with “Loughborough”, you’ll likeliest be met with silence or a gruff, pitying nod. You fucking philistine. – Matt McDonald, Exeter

Manchester

“Everyone who goes here wanted to try drugs. They probably hadn’t until they got there and after they did, they want everyone to know about it.” – Marisa Lee, Lucy Kehoe

Manchester Met

They wanted to go to Manchester for the nightlife, but they weren’t clever enough to get into UoM. They’ll tell people they “go to uni in Manchester” hoping they’ll assume they mean the real uni.

Newcastle

“Arguably one of the best and cheapest nights out in the country, people from Newcastle are usually really fun. They’re mainly from London, go out every night and love to tell you about it too. And why are they all so attractive?”

Northumbria

Norwich

They’re the only university that has a good snapchat filter. Everyone seems eerily happy, like the UEA campus has some sort of Demon Headmaster vibe which means they have to keep telling you it’s A) a good uni and B) they’re actually having fun there. – Bobby Palmer, Leeds

Nottingham

The first thing they make you do in freshers’ week is make an oath to never, ever, EVER stop talking about how amazing Nottingham was when you graduate. Once you’ve pledged an allegiance, you’re guaranteed a 2:1.

Oxford

Looking at Oxford university students is a lot like watching a nature documentary, you can easily imagine the soft tones of David Attenborough describe their behaviour but as in depth as you know David’s knowledge is on the subject you never quite know what is actually going on. One very noticeable feature of the Oxford university student is that you will never see one on its own. They are pack animals. Why is unknown to the rest of us, may be for strength in numbers, or maybe us plebs are too common to hang around with. Whatever the reason you will never see them in a group smaller than 5. While perhaps not all Oxford students went Harrow or Eton, it is hard to spot the ones who don’t on a night out. If you walk into bridge and see a group of boys standing together not really dancing and all wearing ties, you’ve just spotted a group of oxford boys. Wearing ties in Bridge or even worse, to Fuzzy Ducks is an instant red flag for an Oxford student. – Russell Sheldrake, Oxford Brookes

Plymouth

Plymouth students can be divided into two camps: 1) those that are just grateful they’re at uni 2) those that are still bitter about the fact they’re so close, yet so far away from being at Exeter.

Queen Mary

Located at the Mile End of your career, you’re not going to get a job graduating from here. At least those that chose to study at Brooke’s or Met embrace the fact they go to a shit uni, in stark contrast, the morons at Queen Mary grasp tightly on to their Russel Group status, in denial at their questionable inclusion. Like the Balcan States in the EU, nobody really thinks Queen Mary belong in the Russell Group, but they asked and nobody had the guts to say no. – Ben Foreman, UCL

Reading

“Every guy I’ve met from Reading has been pervy.”

Roehampton

To clarify, Roehampton is definitely not a ‘London uni’. Whilst it may be situated geographically within the confines of the M25, that’s where any likeness to a respectable London uni ends. You can’t study dance at UCL, but don’t worry – I’m sure you’ll be a great Assistant Manager at Hollister one day. – Ben Foreman, UCL

Royal Holloway

A sad sad place. You may have thought that it would be nice to live in a place that looks like hogwarts but it doesn’t help the fact that you have a pretty wack fresher, live in the middle of nowhere, and whose only saving grace is you’re kinda near thorpe park. – Kyle Farrell, Sussex

Sheffield

Never to make the cut in clubbers of the week, everyone at Sheffield looks about three years too young to be at uni. It’s a city uni without the gritty vibe. It just feels a bit mouldy, a bit strange. Personified, it would wear varifocal glasses, play squash and drink Earl Grey tea regularly. I mean, the SU banned chanting at their varsity. How bumout is that? – Tom Jenkin, Nottingham

Southampton

The hapless friend of a friend that’s just spilt a jesticle down himself. You can’t help but feel sorry for Southampton but you don’t know why. They’re better than their neighbours in Portsmouth but still coastal enough to be really naff. There’s something about the grayscale 80s architecture on campus, the single mums in West Quay and the adhesive floors of Oceana that’s a bit too reminiscent of your local town in the home-counties. Could be worse; could be Solent. – Tom Murray, Nottingham

St Andrews

“Hurr hurr hurr champagne hurr hurr hurr fashion shows hurr hurr hurr daddy’s money” – Bobby Palmer, Leeds

Stirling

“I’ve never met anyone interesting who goes to Stirling. I’m sure I would, if only they got out a bit more. Very aggressive hockey players though.”

Strathclyde

“Where? It just sounds dangerous.”

Swansea 

Swansea is the service station for all those that tried and failed to get into Cardiff. Everyone at Swansea is Welsh because let’s be realistic, you’re probably a racist who hates the English. No one from the rest of the UK would even give Swansea a proper look, it’s fascade looking similar to that of other vile locations such as Middlesbrough or Wolverhampton.
Even the people in Swansea agree they’re just at uni for the £1 drinks on Wind Street. – Nathan Coogan, Aberystwyth

Sussex 

With their vintage threads, rolled-up cigarettes and avid protests about THE MOST MINOR things, Sussex think they are Berkeley brought to Brighton’s shores. Well guess what Morwenna – the 70s are over, and no-one other than Greenpeace is going to hire you unless you put down the placard. – Matt McDonald, Exeter

Trent 

Polytechnic full of people that can’t spell ‘Uni’. You’re actually not that bad but no one likes to admit it because you’re loud and obnoxious. You defy convention; you grace Andy Hoe with your presence on a Wednesday night and unceremoniously go absolutely fucking mental. Trent is defined by competition with Uni of Nottingham. Your dads probably work for their dads but at least you’ve beat them at varsity football four years running. What you lack in academia you make up for in commitment to a huge session. Trent is the girl chundering over the bar, Trent is the guy tearing off his Ellesse vest to the tune of Baywatch, Trent is fun. – Tom Murray, Nottingham

UCL

“Mostly future bankers who actually study a humanities. Full of daddy’s money and bottles of Grey Goose”

UCLan

No, this isn’t a government think tank, or an American gaming app, it is a university in Preston, Lancashire. They call it the University of Central Lancashire, yet it looks like and feels like a sixth form college. Everyone is from the local area and did genuinely go to college together, all the courses are what you’d call “vocational”, and the nightlife is basically just A-level results night, over and over again thanks clubs like MACs and Popworld. Unlike all the other Northern universities though, the town is in no danger of being appropriated by the Southern chino brigade. – Grace Vielma, Manchester

UWE

With a name that sounds like something you say when you see some roadkill, expectations for this place are not high. Forever regarded as the University of Bristol’s disabled twin brother, UWE students spend most of their time trying to show their intelligence to a world that does not want them. Failing this, they fall back on to demeaning their UOB peers who they deem to be ‘less cool’ than them. Their preferred method of doing this is to perfect the art of rolling a joint and then to show their perfect joint around at parties. Unfortunately for the UWE student, this perfect joint will be the apex of their lives and they will soon find out there is nothing ‘less cool’ than being an unemployed pothead living in a basement and reminiscing about Un in your 30s. – Conrad Young, Bristol

Warwick

“Bumout. It’s in Coventry.”

“When I hear the name ‘Warwick’, I just picture a prison filled with miserable yet well educated students who forgot how to enjoy life as soon as they stepped foot into that concrete jungle.”

York

Everyone seems to be so far up their own arse they can barely squeeze an arm out to write their self-serving column in whichever student rag they’re writing a pompous op-ed for this week. They all seem like wankers, and I’m not just saying that because I got rejected from York. I’m not. – Bobby Palmer, Leeds