Garden Party Fashion

So May Week’s here and it’s not all about the evenings. Yes, hideously hungover and on 4 hours sleep we have to drag ourselves of out (someone elses?) bed and head for the shrubbery, where its always Pimms O’Clock and as usual we’re all being judged on whatever we decided to throw on that day. Garden parties are tricky to get right, as you might be mingling with you DoS and a bunch of academics at your subject party or getting slowly comatose with a bunch of other paralytics from your sports team, but forget having fun, the most important thing here is how much what you wear tells us about you, and how fun it is putting people in their boxes.

The Queen Bee

Not wearing a lot but keeping it tasteful the Queen Bee gets it right for the girls. Her San Tropez is fake but you’d never guess; she’s happy to don a bikini (and look amazing) yet she’s just as hot in a colourful summer dress. If everyone else is wearing them though, she’ll be the one in a skirt- and looking better.

Likely to be found at: Anywhere and everywhere, surrounded by her followers and in fits of laughter. Bitch.

The Secret Society Members

 More subtle but easy to distinguish if you look carefully- double check to note that every guy in the group is wearing some form of matching tie/cufflink/miscellaneous object. Likelihood is it’ll be the ties here, casually loosened over an unbuttoned collar so they look at ease but no way are they willing to loose the cords or the blazer, even if it is slung over one arm with a G&T in the other hand. These are aviator people, the mirrored versions and yes, yes they will be used so you can’t see them leering at you (which they will be)

Likely to be found at: Um secret society remember? If you’re not in the club you might as well go home.

The Rugby Player

Same type of clique going on but distinguishable (and visible from 30feet) by the mass of muscle that they’ve built up pummelling each other into the mud all year. They’ll be proudly wearing their rugby shirt, emblazoned with some hilarious nickname from an obscure joke that no one not in the team will ever understand, plus shorts so they look fresh from the pitch: mudstains included. They’re too hard for sunscreen, so come 5pm on Thursday look out for the burn.

Likely to be found at: The rugby garden party. Or vomiting in a bush thereabouts.

The Girls Gone Wild

Well it would be rude to say sluts! This crew is most noticeable by a distinct lack of clothing, expect teeny tiny bikinis, extremely short shorts/skirts and, for the events where a top is absolutely necessary, something very tight, very low and very ‘summery’ (apparently). What they lack in coverage they more than compensate for in make up, not forgetting tans way this side of tango.

Most likely to be found: In the jelly pit at Wyverns.

Festival Veterans

First thing to notice is numerous wristbands weighing down their left arm because we really need to know just how many festivals they’ve stumbled through. Let’s ignore the hygiene aspect of still wearing band from Glastonbury 06. Noteworthy for skinny jeans Nicole Richie would struggle to fit into topped by an ubercool vintage band T-shirt; if you’re a girl it’ll be a thrown together yet surprisingly matching outfit comprised mainly of charity shop finds. Throw some element of fancy dress in there and you’ve got one.

Likely to be found at: The grass on the bank of the Cam. They’re way above garden parties but might just make an entrance at the college one because after all they’re nice people.

Little Miss (or Mr) Perfect

There’s always one. If it’s a her it’ll be nicely neat hair tied in a ponytail, plus polo shirt and tennis skirt; boys also go for polo, but it’s likely to be accompanied by chinos of some sort. Neither of them dare go barefoot or flipflops and the combined colour combinations result in a bigger range of pastels than your nearest Mothercare. All in all it’s all very tidy, very matching and very (dare we say it) preppy. That said they’ve got the social skills; they’re on every committee you can think of, play for all the sports teams and starred in the last college play. Plus they play for orchestra and they are still headed for a first. Everybody likes them, but behind our sweet smiles there might just be seething jealousy, possibly even hatred for the really resentful.

Likely to be found at: The garden party s/he organised for the committee s/he chairs, tipsy enough to fit in but nowhere near a stumble. The party’s amazing. We hate them.

The Library Child

Ok this is probably the first time you’ve seen this person since Freshers Week, so make sure to do a Facebook search first and cleverly avoid the whole asking for a name after living next to each other for 8 months. Easily identified due to extreme whiteness from the lack of sunshine/daylight. Think long sleeves and buttoned up collars for the boys, and knee length skirts with tights for the girls. Flat shoes, minimal make up and impressively thick glasses complete the package, but make you you get a good look quickly, these folk tend to last a maximum of 40minutes before they get a bit scared and leave. Place your bets people.

Likely to be found at: The college garden party, nice and safe, for the requisite 40mins

The Hippies

30 years too late but still full of the old flower power (possibly with real flowers). We’re talking waist length hair and big sunglasses for the girls, with the boys likely following suit. Bikini tops, shorts and barefoot to be at one with nature. Some form of tribal face paint may also occur.

Likely to be found at: Greenpeace/Green party/Save The Planet/Peace/You get the idea society party

The Hangers On

The sunglasses are just a bit too big, plus the white frames look a little ahem tacky. These girls mean well but just can’t seem to make it work. They’ll be wearing whatever bikini,/dress/general outfit Ms Hilton was wearing last weekend but it just don’t look right. The only thing they make their own is their fake tan. And lots of it.

Likely to be found: See Queen Bee over there? Yep, look a few steps behind her.

The Posh Kids

Darling, when Daddy owns half of Australia you just have to dress well and these guys are fabulous. For the boys it’s aviators with shirts and tasteful cut offs, obviously wearing the Rolex just so the world doesn’t forget quite how much their family’s worth; girls prefer Ralph Lauren shirt dresses and making the most of jewellery and oversized shades. They’re hot, they’re annoying and my oh my do they know it.

Likely to be found at: Their subject garden party; it’s just about worthy of their presence.

Well that’s the range, so keep your eyes peeled people, and next time you’re about to go drown yourself in Pimms, maybe double think the shades, or that second layer of foundation. Don’t want to be giving off the wrong impression now, do we?