Hell Is Other People

In the buttery. On the way to lectures. The common room. The bar. The library. People are fucking everywhere; you cannot get away from them. Now, I might sound like some sort of weird hermit right now but I’m not (honest). As a general rule, I quite like people. It’s just sometimes I don’t.

There’s all these little habits you see, and you don’t even realise you’re doing it. That’s the saddest thing. You don’t mean to inspire hatred and anger wherever you go, it just…happens. Here’s a few pet peeves which might just be the reason for your social leprosy.

Tapping your fingers/pen

It was cool when they did it in ‘Chicago’ but this ain’t a musical guys. I have no need for a soundtrack to my life (and not just because it would be comprised entirely of power ballads and Dido-esque tragedy numbers). It’s hard enough to concentrate in lectures without a Jimi Hendrix wannabe drumming out the theme tune to The OC next to you while some old guys at the front rambles about thermodynamics. And if you ever dare to indulge in this dirty little habit in the library, then the essay crisis victim next to you has full legal permission to throttle you in the Shakespeare section. He did love the death and melodrama so it’s quite appropriate.

“No offence but…”

Followed by one of the most offensive things you’ve ever heard. Now this one is very secondary school but even in my old(er) age I still get massively pissed off with every little twat who thinks putting a disclaimer in front of their sentence makes whatever bitchy little comment follows automatically ok. Absolutely fucking not. Not ok, never ok. Just don’t do it yeah? Really fucking annoying.

“JOKES”

Maybe it’s the coal and poverty in my Northern heritage, but I just don’t get this. Apparently it’s a positive thing, as in ‘That was jokes’ = ‘That was really good’. I don’t know, maybe it’s the plural, maybe it’s how very southern it is, but something about this one royally fucks me off. What can I say, heart the Highland slang.

Bumblebee eyes

You know when you’re talking to someone, and they’re nodding, smiling and even answering back- but they never look at your face. Instead they scan the room, looking for someone that little bit above you on the social ladder. Classic social climber. But then again, this person tends to be a bit on the fringes, so maybe you can’t blame them for shamelessly sucking up to everything with a social status. Still, rude much. Damn social networking.

Borrowing money. And NEVER returning it.

You know who you are. I’ve got no problem helping those a bit strapped for cash (though lets be honest, it’s rarely that my finances are in any state to help out others in need) but when you know they have no intention whatsoever of returning your cherished pennies it’s just so upsetting because you can’t say ‘No’ for fear of looking like a bitch. So you fork it over, and mourn the loss of your hard earned cash.

Clapping in lectures

Not university wide but lawyers and medics stand up and be publicly shamed. I’m ashamed for you to be honest. It’s just so…sad. Why are you applauding them? Did that fifty minutes on the Land Registration Act really change your life? Were their softly spoken words just so lovely to your ears? No? Then stop with the applause. We’re not in assembly any more.

Asking questions after lectures

This is the next stage up from the clappers: the arselickers. They sidle down when the lecture finished, tongue half out and the nod their little hearts away as the lecturer imparts their wisdom. Careful, don’t want to strain your neck with all that overzealous agreement now. If you’re ever tempted to do this remember: everyone who sees you will hate you forever. So sit down, shut up and ask your supervisor.

Not helping in supervisions

Check out the nice lead-in to this. I’m very proud. However, this is deadly serious. There’s only 2 or 3 of us in there, so if you’re going to be a dick and leave me to sit in silence cringing at my choice of Fez over Neuroscience reading then we’ve got issues mate. It’s a basic curtsey, extended from one struggling student to another: if they don’t know the answer, you help them out. Spout something, anything, but don’t leave them to flounder in the supervisors steely stare. That, my dears, is called being a dickhead. And we don’t like dickheads.

“Hiiii…how are you?”

Like you give a fuck. We’re not friends, we don’t talk. Do you really want to hear about my shit-hole of a day? No? Thought not.

Biting your nails

It’s a classic. The grossness is almost up there with picking your nose but the irritation caused to innocent members of the public (not to mention your nail bed) is increased by the sheer volume of people who do this. Just because everyone’s at it does not a socially acceptable habit make. One it’s disgusting, two it’s just rude when you focus more on your fingernails than on our conversation. Sure we might not be discovering the theory of gravity but I want your full attention when I’m explaining every woe that has befallen me recently. That what friends are for right?

“Can I try a bit of that?”

I don’t care if it’s a cocktail, a dessert or Gardies chips, I’m with Joey from ‘Friends’ on this: BUY YOUR OWN. However, I’m going lightly on this one because I do it all the time. Sorry guys.

Admit it: we’ve all been guilty of these cardinal sins at some time or another. However, lets rejoice in our hypocrisy. Pretend we have never so much as tended towards irritating anyone ever and on identifying another doing one of these things, feel safe in the superior knowledge that you’re correctly identified them as ‘fucking annoying’. Then stop for a moment, and consider how many people are thinking the same thing about you at that moment in time.