Robert Smith: Culture Vulture

It’s closing time I’m afraid ladies and gentlemen. The last supervision essay or practical is moments away and everyone is ready to get the fuck out of this place. I can’t blame you to be honest, and you should enjoy the break before the sheer bloody hell of exam term kicks in. I won’t be returning, however, at least not as Reviews Editor. It’s been a fun couple of terms but I’d like to actually get a half decent grade in my finals. Our resident Drama Queen Lottie Unwin is continuing her rapid ascent to power (watch out for that one) and assuming control of the Reviews section, so you guys all be nice to her.

With my departure imminent I thought I’d pick my ten fav reviews from my time here. We’ve seen a real mix of stuff, including plenty TCS and Varsity wouldn’t touch with a ten foot barge poll, and what better place than Culture Vulture to remind us all of everything that’s gone on?

1. Lubricants: The anonymous author of this piece promised me a condom review but it never came (see what I did there?). Having a review of lube nestled in amongst the stalwarts of the ADC makes up for this disappointment, however.
2. Midsummer House: Two Michelin stars and Bayan Parvizi? What more could an editor want?
3. Medics Revue: TCS’s loss was our gain here. Sure it’s harsh, but it’s also hilariously accurate.
4. Sun, Sex, and Holiday Madness: It might seem arrogant putting one of my reviews on this list but this is the piece I had most fun writing while at the Tab. Also Jack and Caedie both deserve credit for telling me about this beautiful slice of Trash TV.
5. Motorhead: Ollie Kay describing Lemmy as better than The Wire and YouPorn persuaded me in ways you cannot imagine.
6. Judging Books by their Covers: The piece so good Kelvin MacKenzie mentioned it in The Times. While, of course, confusing me with its author and calling me an alcoholic.
7. Yo My Man: When Ben Blyth wants to he can really rip a play to pieces. I didn’t see the show but the review gave me so much pleasure I feel like I should thank the cast in some way.
8. Cigarettes: The crowning glory of my last week at The Tab. It’s an idea I’ve been kicking around for ages, so finally putting it together and getting the hilarious pieces from our writers was fantastic.
9. Modern Times: David Lowry, condescending prick or comedy genius? Discuss.
10. An Audience with Sally Morgan: If you ever needed evidence that the Tab reviews will be in safe hands next term it’s here. I’m sure even Sally’s limited supernatural powers could predict the one star after reading the article description.

Anyway, with all that nostalgia behind us let’s move on to the cold harsh light of the future shall we?

Art: It’s the last week guys; seriously take a break from looking at art. The Fitzwilliam always has something good on if you want to impress your parents so don’t worry about showing off when they pick you up. In the mean time have some fun. I’m not saying looking at Rembrandts isn’t great, but this is a week for drinking not thinking.

Music: I’d try and make a cultured music suggestion this week but everyone’s going to see Blueprint on Thursday no matter what I say. Our Associate Editor Phoebe even sent me a pleading e-mail yesterday begging for press tickets.

Food and Drink: I know I recommended it last week, but get your asses down the RAG Beer Festival ASAP. I went last night and the selection of beers is fantastic and, although the absence of hogroast was sorely missed, the (literally) cheaper than chips burgers made up for it.

Film: Plenty to see this week, so why not skip your supervision and check out Micmacs by Amelie director Jean-Claude Jeneut. The Arts Picturehouse are also showing Inherit the Wind on Wednesday, so any Darwin groupies should head down and show your love.

Television (sort of): It’s been everywhere recently but, if you haven’t been on it yet, go on chatroulette immediately. You’ll have to plough through a lot of Turkish penises, but that’s all part of the fun and occasionally you’ll actually meet someone interesting (I’d like to give a shout out to Yasmin in Miami here).

Union: Shady PR man extraordinaire (which is a long winded way of saying ‘complete bastard’) Max Clifford is in the debate this week so surely worth a look see. Some of you Blues might want this guy to represent you in case of any scandals, sexual or otherwise.