Virtuous Debauchery: The Fairtrade Party

READ The Tab‘s Fairtrade Fortnight Calendar for actual, useful information about what’s happening around Cambridge.

If you buy Fairtrade, then you’ve got karma points to spare. And what better way to spend them than by getting lashed and having a debauched party? Exactly.

The first thing is preparation. It’s the key to success. Decorate your room by draping some thin Fairtrade bed sheets over the furnishings to provide a decadent translucency to proceedings (king size, obviously: there’s nothing indulgent about a single fitted sheet). Luckily, Fairtrade’s most iconic product is inherently sexual. Arrange Fairtrade bananas suggestively about the room, and try to obtain a gigantic inflatable latex version or two for extra effect. Giant rubber phallic symbols might not be subtle, but subtlety is not the name of the game. Go big.

Add shitloads of Fairtrade candles, because even though you’ll all be glowing in each others’ reflected virtue, candle-light also makes everyone look much fitter. Next, scatter some Fairtrade rose petals across your soon-to-be morally tainted, but as yet ethically-endorsed bedsheets, and finish off your decorations with lashings of imported Fairtrade gold and diamonds.

Having received your guests, some social lubricant is needed. You could get Fairtrade wine, but if you’re going to get debauched, you may as well do it properly. The closest ethical equivalent to Cristal is a Fairtrade champagne truffle, which is certainly decadent, but isn’t going to get anyone drunk enough to get their tops off. Strew a few of these about the room anyway, or arrange atop a naked human platter.

Luckily, a group of Bolivian farmers in the Andes have managed to balance ethics and ethanol by turning quinoa, their staple food, into delicious vodka. The winner of “Best tasting vodka 2009”, Fair. Quinoa retails for about £35 and will remind you of your gap year (South America and lash). In fact, have a range of liqueurs from other gratuitously exotic locations, like their Himalayan red berry liqueur, which is a similar price. Pour liberally, and save the environment by eschewing glasses and going straight out of the bottle.

Now that everyone’s inhibitions are inhibited and their ethical considerations are fading fast, the rest of the evening is up to you. How’s about kicking things off with a Fairtrade bikini and underwear show? Get some melted Fairtrade chocolate on the go, or consider some Fairtrade massage oil. You can obtain Fairtrade honey, syrup and an extensive list of ‘jams and spreads’ from the Fairtrade website, should you wish to use these in an inventive, or naked, capacity. Ethical yoghurt is also available. Select a few suitably slippery ingredients, and let the sin begin.

Remember: if it all goes well, use a Fairtrade condom, so no one gets screwed.

Illustration by Amy Jeffs