Antisocial Networking – A Guide To The Frape

Part of being friends with someone is being a complete dick to them, and in the modern world that should probably mostly take place on Facebook. Here’s The Tab’s guide to some clandestine and invasive fun.

THE QUICKIE: Prepare with some carefully sculpted and profoundly banterous lines with a lot of impact, like an extreme and sexual version of Twitter. As a rule, go for the sexual or the homosexual.

THE FULL WORKS: Got someone’s password? Express your love via a deep betrayal of their inner sphere and ‘like’ a pile of sites about cock (I’m still getting event invites to Ukrainian swingers’ parties after leaving myself logged in the library once last year). Fancy something more imaginative?

How’s about announcing an impromptu rap concert, to be performed in front of a live audience in their room (hopefully when everyone turns up, they’ll feel peer-pressured enough into actually doing it).

What about announcing their running for JCR President? Or making them a fan page about themselves? Remember, the more believable it is, the better it will be in the long run, so resist the temptation to make a “Coming Out/Returning To The Closet” event.

THE SNIPER: Who says you need to be logged in to inflict social agony on someone? Not Mark Zuckerberg. Turns out, you can make events (see above) and then make someone else admin, before renouncing your own privileges and making it look like they made it all along.

The ability to ‘tag’ people in posts also means that you can write salacious “quotes” from them. Anything taken from any one of the Mail’s columnists will do: @Name: “Working class? They’ve never done a day’s work in their whole bloody lives!” Watch the e-hatred unfold live on your newsfeed before they have a chance to log in and save themselves.

THE MACHIAVELLI: Make a very believable but very lame status along the lines of: “I had a lovely day in the sun today, thanks everyone!!” for the ‘top lad’. It will definitely result in them having to drink something horrendous like a Fairy Liquid-based pint at the next lads’ meeting.

But don’t just stick to Facebook in your quest to screw people over a little bit:

THE ESSAY: The twat next to you is going to beat you in all your papers because while you’ve been playing Angry Birds on your phone, he’s been working. As soon as he gets up, attempt some pre-emptive revenge via the Find and Replace tool on Word. His supervisor genuinely will be impressed that the word “the” has been replaced with “wankbuckets”, because they will understand the post-modern genius involved in challenging the concept of the essay anyway. Or, you could make their marks plummet by replacing all the commas with full stops, making it nigh on unreadable.

THE ROOM: Home is where the heart is, so screwing over someone’s room is like staking a vampire or something. It’s far more artistic than simple frape, so if you’re the creative type, this is the one for you. Be inventive about how you gain entry to their room, perhaps running to the porter’s lodge dressed only in a hand towel and slippers and using a daring “I lost my key and identity card in the shower” manoeuvre in order to get in and remove the slats holding up your mate’s mattress properly while he’s gone to the train station to pick up his long-term, long-distance girlfriend, leaving her to choke slam him through the bed when they arrive in a fit of passion. Or, make a shrine to someone they know but don’t know that well in the corner of their room and then publish photos of it on Facebook so it’s awkward the next day.