Cambridge A-Z, Part 2

Miss part one? Find it here.

I is for Initiations

The rites by which you will be inducted into a college drinking society or sports team, be this by dressing up as a giant baby or by licking curry off a stranger. Demeaning, infantile, pathetic are all terms which have been thrown at these – by MEGA KILLJOYS!!!!! Cos if Cambridge has taught us one thing it’s that there’s only one way to differentiate the boys from the men and that is their willingness to drink sick from a sock.

Crescent initiations: boys getting naked

J is for Jobless

For now and, alarmingly, the future. We’re Heavily Discouraged from undertaking any paid work while here, but you’d hope this trend would end upon graduation. You’d be hoping in vain. Recent grads’ twitter updates have been chockablock with the cakes they’ve made, the popular TV shows they’ve amalgamated (baking bad!!!), and the dreams they’re quietly burying. Unless you’re Jimmy Liu. Who now has a job at Goldman and Sachs. And who we’re all very happy for.

K is for Killing off your past persona

Forget Rachel the Deputy Head Girl, and say hello to Rachel the Renaissance Woman! Now is the perfect time to obliterate those childhood ‘quirks’ and reinvent yourself from the outside in. Scrap that duvet with the cat on it, throw away those tiny Lord of The Rings figurines and burn the inhaler. You now smoke hand-rolled cigarettes, and mainline crack every other Saturday. You’ve been to Thailand, possibly even Laos, and that plait in your hair wasn’t done by your mum to make you look approachable, it’s a dreadlock you’ve been crafting since ’08.

L is for Life

Which is definitely called Life, and definitely not called Kuda. Otherwise it would be under K. Confusingly, it is definitely also not called The Place. Otherwise it would be under P. As sweaty as it is carpeted, Life remains known for the long corridor which runs through it, too often filled on a Sunday night with meandering jaeger bombs and land ecs. Due for a revamp in time for freshers’, manager Richard has promised a “stylish club that will have the wow factor.” Previously lacking in both style and the wow factor, The Tab is intrigued to see just exactly how Richard will transform Life as we know it. It does, however, remain unsure as to whether “the addition of more private booths” will do just the trick.

L is for Lola Lo’s, too

Thursday night Lola’s is a favourite with blues teams, post-swap-drink-socs and people with pens, due to the bouncers letting you in with any indistinct scribble on your hand. Lola’s smells of stale coconuts, and will leave you with polystyrene balls in your clothes for days. Lola’s also thinks that it’s Mahiki. Lola’s is not Mahiki, something we should all be grateful for. Despite this not-so-radical opinion, in a Tab survey Lola’s actually won least worst club in Cambridge. Which, as we all know, is the highest plaudit in the world. We’ll see you there for Tab Lash on the 17th.

The proof is in the drunk, sweaty pudding

Head over if you’re into queuing, fairy-lights and an overwhelming sense that someone is trying to take you to Hawaii against your will.

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M is for Mathmo

Shorthand for Mathematician. I’ve never actually seen a Mathmo, but then again I’ve never actually seen the point in decimals, so maybe our interests are too at odds! Rumour has it that, like wildebeest, they tend to travel in twos, threes, and fives. Prime location for spotting a Mathmo: the Maths faculty. Nought that I’d know.

N is for Natsci

Shorthand for Natural Scientist. Woe betide any well-meaning arts student who may innocently enquire as to what is required of a physnatsci, because they do the work of three, dammit, and your friend doing physics at Bristol covers in one week what they do in an hour. When they’re not working you can find them crying under their duvets to the Drive soundtrack. Probably not the best time to mention that you actually had a pretty tough day too deciding whether to watch Game of Thrones before or after lunch.

This is a real Natsci. You just told her about your last essay crisis (Photo: Chris Rowlands)

O is for Oxford

Otherwise known as The Other Place, this institution is host to a whole rainbow of second-rate specimen.  Such rivalry is sometime tiresome, often obligatory, and tends to rear its weary head at competitions league-table-and-varsity-related. They may have won the Boat Race but they will never win the war. It’s not a coincidence Oxford rhymes with rubbish.

P is for Plodge

The nesting ground for the porters, shortened from the massively unmanageable ‘Porters’ Lodge.’ A burrow of keys, comfort and contempt, these are a kind of watering hole for broken kitchen appliances and shame. Chief Porter Formidable Tim’s look of contempt for me not knowing the date was more appropriate for an out and out racist. Porters by name and damning by nature, it’s cheering to know that no walk of shame shall go unwitnessed as long as these creatures inhabit the Earth.

Come back tomorrow for the final installment of our Freshers A – Z!