Tab Tries: Going Into The Future

It’s the year 2043. The Tab, somehow, still exists. What’s it like? Well it’s like this:

COLUMNS

Wankwill Bumblefeff: Week 3

This week, Wankwill talks about how socially awkward he is sometimes, as well as the perils of having a funny name!

I was in the King’s Chapel Sainsbury’s. It was a Tuesday and I was shopping for anti-breakfast pills (as always, LOYMUTO!).  Suddenly, I spotted an attractive female fondling carrots to my left. She had a bald head that glinted teasingly in the artificial light, a charismatic smile, and a nice personality probably. OMJ, I thought; I hope I’m not socially awkward in the next few moments! Shaking with fear I approached her, desperate to strike up a conversation. Come on Wankwill, you can do it. Just ask her what her sector-6 registration code is!

“Excuse me, what’s your sector-sex registration code?”

Oh no! I’d accidentally said sector-sex! What a fucking shitting fuck I am! I thought, self-deprecatingly. To my surprise she didn’t de-activate, but turned to me and giggled. “I’m Mavis”, she said. “I’m Wankwill”, I replied, aware that my name is a bit funny. “Oh”, she said, reaching for a pint of human milk from the top shelf, “that’s a funny name.”

Wankwill Bumblefeff – Week 4079

NEWS

Homerton-Girton tunnel being misused by drinking societies

A Tab source has reported that various Cambridge drinking societies are using the Homerton-Girton tunnel for activities including alcohol and sexism.

“It’s a disgrace!” said the unnamed source; “the tunnel was meant to be a place to relax and avoid the dangerous hyper-UV light for a few days, not for careless boozing!” Another student pointed out that “since they moved Girton no-one has really used the tunnel anyway.”

Also in news:

Churchill student abuses supervision: find out how a student from Churchill used his supervision to see into the bedrooms of Murray Edwards.

And:

E-porter explodes in Newnham plodge. Twelve injured.

This grass is now digital

INTERVIEWS

This week The Tab chats to Adolf Hitler. After being resurrected more than six years ago Adolf has done his upmost to tackle his deep-seated image problems. But just how are things behind the scenes? Maddi Holebaker finds out.

Maddi: Adolf, you recently appeared on Strictly Come Dancing in an attempt to reconnect with the British public. You came last, but did you enjoy the experience?

Adolf: Overall it was fun. For sure it hurt when people booed my Pasodoble, but all the guys backstage were really great to me, and it was cool being on TV again. Haha.

Maddi: You’re speaking at The Union on Monday. Are you looking forward to it?

Adolf: Let’s just say I’m ‘eggs-tremely’ ‘egg-cited’ about it.

Maddi: What are you implying with your slightly weird use of the word egg?

Adolf: Let’s just say I’m an ‘eggs-pert’ at public speaking.

Maddi: Again, can you be a little less vague?

Adolf: Not really.

There will be more from Adolf next week.

FEATURES

Tab blind date: Louise and BXN49168-12p

Louise and BXN49168-12p are the most recent couple to be match-made by The Tab.

Louise is a second year Historian at King’s. She once forgot to take her anti-lunch pill three times in a row and had to have her stomach pumped.

Preconceptions? I’d never been out with a robot before so I wasn’t sure what to expect. I hoped he wouldn’t be too oily!

First impressions? Not oily. Tall, clean, with good movement detection and speech comprehension.

What did you talk about? I told him about my summer holidays and my sexual history. He didn’t say much and seemed to have reasonably few stock phrases available. In all honesty I carried the banter.

Worst thing about the date? I had to take him next door to charge half way through. Also, pretty much everything he did say was really rude.

BXN49168-12p enjoys cooking, tennis and the films of Nicole Kidman

BXN49168-12p is a fourth year aid and development bot from Homerton. He once went to America without an adaptor and spent the entire week in hibernation.

Preconceptions? gonna be shit!!

First impressions? would not bang!!! just kidding i obviously would bang anything!!!

What did you talk about? wasnt listening lol

Worst thing about the date? probably all of it just kidding it was the food!

 Also in features:

James Mitchell: why I’ve degraded again.

DEBATE

Have our Chinese overlords gone too far?

With Prime Minister Sheepshanks set to meet with His Highness Zu Zhingong on Monday, Ben Bisham investigates whether our overlords have finally overstepped the mark.