Planet Cambridge: The Tab Explores Cambridge’s Wildlife

The Cambridge jungle is crawling with a plethora of weird and wonderful creatures in all shapes and sizes.

I have been studying the various beasts that roam our small campus for several weeks in order to better prepare you to confront them as you will inevitably at some point have to do.

The English Student

Closest related species : the sloth

How to spot one:

Male genus:                                                                 Female genus:

– Paisley                                                                         – Urban outfitters

– Spray on jeans                                                           – Scrunchies

– Chelsea boots

Can be found:

– in bed

– on The Tab

– in the maypole

– in the ADC (bar or stage)

Bio:

In general, the English Student is a friendly, if somewhat patronising beast. They move about twice a day, on average, to hunt for food. As peace loving brutes it is advisory to avoid making sudden movements as you risk frightening them away.

A male English student attracts his mate by way of poetry recital and can be prone, during this period, to emotional extremes such as weeping and fainting. Needless to say, they do not mate frequently and are in danger of extinction.

A cunning creature, adept at the art of bullshit, the English Student may try to convince you of their ‘unbearably large’ workload. Do not let the truth be obfuscated by vocabulary such as ‘prosody’ and ‘trochaic’, which they might spit at you. They do not in fact know or do anything of importance.

The MMLer

Closest related species: the parrot

NB Not to be confused with the AMESer (Arabic and Chinese are obviously not modern languages).

Bio:

This is a solely female species. One male MMLer was discovered last year but it later transpired that it was in fact a female. They are blessed with longevity and are therefore incredibly exclusive, aware of the futility of bonding with beasts of a shorter life span.

How to spot one:

– berets

– lederhosen

– gap year trousers

Can be found :

– on the Sidgwick site

– abroad

The History of Arter

Closest related species: the peacock

Bio:

The History of Arter is an essentially frivolous creature. His purpose in the jungle is not really clear. They are elusive beasts that commonly roam solo, therefore, very little research on their species has been possible.

Do not mention their future.

They have long claimed to belong to the race of the History Student although the History student refutes this connection.

How to spot one:

Male genus:                                                               Female genus:

– Denim                                                                         – Vintage

– Denim                                                                         – Doc Martens

– Nike Air Maxes

Can be found :

– in the Fitzwilliam museum

– at Fez

The Engineer

Closest related species:

Females – the tiger

Males – the labrador

Bio :

This species is very peculiar in that a female Engineer is never attracted to her male counterpart. The females, attractive though they are, tend to be intimidating and volatile. They are one of the toughest and rarest female species in existence. The males, on the other hand, are incredibly shy and eager to please, if sometimes a little smelly.

How to spot one:

Male genus:                                                                        Female genus:

– North Face                                                                          – Leather

– Birkenstocks                                                                      – Knee high boots

Can be found:

Male Genus:                                                                        Female genus:

– trainspotting                                                                       – maneating

– playing with robots                                                           – taking over the world