Sex, Drugs and Secrets – Former Queens’ Porter dishes dirt on Cambridge

Lucy Brazier, who writes under the pseudonym ‘Porter Girl’, writes a semi-fictionalised account of life at ‘Old College’ based on her experiences.

In the blog, she:

• Brands Cambridge students “the over-pampered educated classes”
• Admits to rummaging through students belongings
• Accuses one Queens’ student of using extra-small condoms

One post from December 2013, mysteriously entitled ‘An Uninvited Guest’, has proven highly controversial, particularly because of an explicit threat towards a student.

Ms. Brazier tells how she was sent to search the room of a student caught smoking cannabis.

She recounts how being “naturally nosey” meant she “loved sorting through the mundane personal effects of others.”

The brazen Ms. Brazier even goes on to share personal details of the student making him easily identifiable.

She writes:

“The student in question (a 19 year old white male with the obligatory floppy fringe, retreating jaw line and over-fed mid-drift).”

“He is ashamed of his sexual conquests. How do I know all this? I’ve read his essays. I’ve seen his cheque book. I have found his secret stash of used condoms and their wrappers! I shudder to think what he will eventually grow into. The over-pampered educated classes of our society are a real worry.”

Having failed to find any drugs, Ms. Brazier finds an “illegal immigrant” in the form of a pet hamster, called Murray.  From here, the tone darkens, the student is threatened and the post ends on a highly inappropriate note:

““If you don’t want Murray passed into the custody of The Master’s Cat I suggest you find somewhere outside of College to smoke your weed.” I take a breath and look into his eyes. Cocky little bastard.”

““I’m serious. If I hear your name in College again I’m feeding Murray to the fucking cat. Stay out of the Porter’s way.””

“For both of the incidents of copulation he has engaged in since the start of term, he has used extra small condoms. Killing Murray is one thing, destroying his opportunity of sexual gratification for his entire student life is quite another. I feel confident he will pose no further problems.”

Lucy Brazier left her job as Deputy Head Porter at Queens’ last year

When approached by The Tab, the student in question, who insisted upon remaining anonymous, appeared unperturbed.

He said: “I really don’t care. If she wants to have a bit of fun embellishing stories then fine.”

“I don’t want my name linked to this at all though, it’s very googleable and (I) am looking for jobs so (it) would be far from ideal being associated with drug use, even more so considering I was simply smoking a cigarette.”

So how much is this story based on truth? A post from January 2014 suggests “the earlier blogs are all completely, totally true” and that “the characters themselves were of course inspired by the real people I met and worked with.”

However, speaking on the phone, Ms. Brazier was keen to point out her posts don’t “necessarily relate to anything that really happened in real life.”

She also denied finding the extra small condoms, suggesting they are “clearly for entertainment purposes” adding “I don’t know the condom sizes of any of the students.”

“A lot of it is just fictional really but based on previous experiences I’ve had throughout life and so it doesn’t necessarily relate to anything that really happened in real life.”

“It’s just a sort of parody of things I heard students get up to and what have you.”

The name’s Girl, Porter Girl.

When contacted by The Tab, the Dean of Queens’, Dr Martin Dixon refused to comment stating, “The College does not discuss any matter relating to its staff or students.”

Best bits

Breaks into Queens’ College Old Library to discover “a whole pile of human bones” were found under the Porter’s Lodge (What the Professor Said- Jan 28, 2014)

Presents the Dean as narrow-minded: “Thirst for knowledge? In a College servant? Are you mad?” (Jan 8, 2014- A Reasonable Explanation)

Speaks with wisdom: “Students are prone to overindulgence of drink and sometimes drugs. Some are also prone to depression, brought on by the stress of heavy workloads and pressure to perform well in their chosen subject”. (Jan 6, 2014- Spooky!)

Describes her head post-hangover as having a “family of Mexicans living in it.” (Nov 17, 2013-The Committee for the Prevention of Drunken Behaviour)

Describes the ‘Chair of the Student Union’ as “a youth who looks about twelve and bares a striking resemblance to Harry Potter” and a “geeky demi-God”. (Nov 17, 2013-The Committee for the Prevention of Drunken Behaviour)

Has Ms. Brazier gone too far with her blog or is it all just fun and games?