Johnnie Wyvern: Embrace Caesarian Sunday

Revision starting to get you down? Procrastination levels reaching unimaginable heights? Never fear!

Uncle Johnnie is here to explain why your should embrace Summer Term and that exams aren’t the only thing you should be wrestling this year…

Things have changed since my day kids. For a start we weren’t allowed to piss about with all these faddy degrees with unintelligible acronyms like SPS, and HSPSPS, and LMFAO, or whatever. But exams then, as now, signalled the necessity to pretend we hadn’t spent the last however many terms in a VK fuelled haze, building up a portfolio of regret and half-remembered liaisons that will never leave us. Never.

In our desperate attempts to learn something, anything, that we are supposed to, we sit in darkened rooms, hating everything and everyone, and trying to ignore the sounds of merriment ringing out as all the normal people enjoy Cambridge bathed in sunlight and happiness.

That daydream you just had about a giant crocodile rising out of the river bed and decapitating all those punting bastards ruining your concentration (on Candy Crush)- that’s normal. Having watched thousands of you sorry fuckers go through this, year on year, Johnnie has a foolproof plan for making it to May Week, all in a few simple steps.

Four step success, as told by Johnnie Wyvern

1. Fuck it all off.

Seriously, just leave it. You got in, you can blag a few simple exams. Maybe you won’t get a 1st, but any idiot can get a 2:i right?!

Instead, enjoy yourselves. Go to Grantchester with a bucket of Pimms and some water pistols, get the deckchairs out, go on the piss, and wear as little as you want, safe in the knowledge that you won’t have to walk home in a hail of sleet.

Rumour even has it that there is going to be an awesome party in Cindies on the 23rd (tonight)! Have fun, don’t be a miserable nerd.

Punt to Grantchester, gurning in style

2. Realise you are actually a nerd.

We all are. This doesn’t mean we have to be miserable though. We are a special breed of nerd, one that with a combination of alcohol misuse and questionable decision-making is more than capable of having a great time.

Trying to make it to May Week without having any fun will turn you mental. This means you have to make the most of all the organised fun on offer.

On Caesarian Sunday go fucking wild, proper batshit, certifiable nuts. I love C Sunday, so should you. Go so hard that the dark corner of the UL you crawl into afterwards will seem positively comforting, and Ovid will be the only friend you want for the next month.

3. Psychological warfare.

Fine, so you probably won’t do that well in your exams. These things are all relative though. All you have to do it make sure everyone else total fails.

Know a particularly neurotic lawyer? Make a point of telling them about obscure cases that they won’t ever need until they crack. What about that bloke down the hall trying to juggle his medical degree with Bumps? Casually mention that you have heard that the boat behind him in bumps has a Slovakian international in the stroke seat, and ask whether he really needs that bit of cake.

That historian you always bump into in the Plodge? Actually they are probably a waste of time; they hand out 2:is like sweets to them anyway. Point is, if you can’t beat them, try and trigger a mental breakdown.

Fun for all the family

4. Have a blinder on the day.

This is actually the easiest step. Having spent most of the year being as productive as a stoned badger at a knitting convention, all you have to do is channel what’s left of your talent into a few thousand stunningly well constructed and ingenious words (long ones tend to be the most impressive) and you are home and dry. Go into a trance if it helps. Or Ritalin.

Easy Peasy. Now that’s all done you are free to come to Cambridge’s biggest and best garden party with me. Don’t forget that Early Bird tickets are on sale for WGP14 only until May 1st, and make sure you don’t miss out on an event described by Prince William as, “Stomach-churningly silly” and the Daily Mail as, “Enough to keep our readers apoplectic with rage at Cantabridgian privilege until the New Year”.

I’ve got some new things planned this year. And maybe some of the old favourites will return…

Disclaimer: No guarantees that Johnnie Wyvern’s Four Step plan to Tripos success will work. He is a fictional creation of a drunken moron.

PS: Please don’t actually psychologically maim anyone- I’m trying to stay controversy free after last year’s fiasco! Cheers and good luck, Johnnie x