Vice Chancellor confesses “Oxford is better than Cambridge”

In a mind-boggling admission, the Uni’s Vice-Chancellor told a room of shocked students that ‘Oxford is better than Cambridge’.

Professor Sir Leszek Borysiewicz MA PhD FRS FRCP FMedSci Cantab – AKA ‘Boris’ – conceded at last night’s Q&A that he had one worry: Cambridge was ‘not performing as well against the old foe’ in sports.

The Q&A was a minefield of emotions: question after question was fired at the V-C, who was steadfast in his responses and refused to surrender under the fiery glares of agitated students and researchers.

On only one occasion did we glimpse the real man behind the mask. When Boris was quizzed about which mythical creature he’d rather be, he responded: “a Cheetah: they’re so fast and beautiful. Something I am not.”

Boris tip-toed around party politics, eventually taking the plunge to slam UKIP: “We give impartial opinions to all political parties, but I must admit that I will have struggles if UKIP come knocking.”

The VC himself, day-dreaming of cheetahs and ethical investment policies

The V-C buckled under pressure from students on investment policy, prising out of him that detained Russian oligarch, Dmitry Firtash’s donations are ‘under scrutiny’.

“A man is innocent until proven guilty… but we are taking this very seriously”

He revealed that Uni officials receive an ‘interminable number of FoI requests’ about investment strategies.  But he countered calls for more investment oversight, saying it was ‘not fair’ and ‘very difficult to place more uncertainty on investment managers who are already doing a very difficult job’.

“What fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a company do you want to drill down into?!

One person’s ethical investment is not another’s.”

Boris was resistant to discussion of his soaring salary when other staff members have seen a drastic real terms pay cut.  He brushed the subject aside, saying “if you have issues, you can take it up with a representative committee.

It would be inappropriate to comment further.”

“The name’s Borysiewicz. Leszek Borysiewicz”

He added that he did “not want to pour oil on difficult waters” by commenting on the impending marking strike.

Surprisingly, Boris had not caught wind of the clash at King’s during the vacation, when a bunch of CDE activists screamed at Osborne and penned in the German Finance Minister.

“I haven’t heard anything about it.  I will say, though, that activism should not impinge on other people’s views.

They are entitled to say it.  If the remarks were personally offensive then I take issue.”

In an apparent nod to his handling of the police spying scandal, he said “I know that there are times when students would like me to take decisive action.”

In an overwhelmingly impressive show of feeling on the issue, he sent a letter to Cambridgeshire Police which ‘expressed concern’.

When The Tab enquired about whether the V-C had made it to Cindies, he admitted that he had failed to do so.

The Tab wonders whether a man who has yet to battle their way across the dancefloor at Cindes can adequately represent the student populus…