Spoof News is Good News: Week 1
SUE DENIM brings you all the breaking news that you don’t need to know, but really want to.
For the latest about all walks of student life, from pointing out the existence of CUSU to giving tearful coverage of your Academia, scroll down today’s headlines. This week, our Nightlife section will also expose the shady world of swaps and socialising with an ‘Exclusive Inside-Look at Drinking Societies’…
DISCLAIMER – The Tab’s NEWS IN SHORT is not a substitute for your daily news intake, and ought to be supplementary to a well-rounded and healthy diet.
University News
Competing companies already bored by inane student lives; regret purchasing data; watch Breaking Bad boxset instead.
TCS covertly printing same 2003 issue every week; goes unnoticed.
Emmanuel, Trinity, Jesus, and Corpus Christi colleges all traced back to same mysterious donor.
Intelligent Design…?
CUSU Updates
CUSU revealed as front for underground crime syndicate; equally inefficient
Women’s Campaign demand recognition of haircut
Candidate Ronald Smith dismayed after not receiving majority vote in any category
Nightlife
Victimised fresher required to consume beverage as initiation to drinking society
Women reported to indeed love it when you do that
Seems unlikely. Apparently true. Don’t tell the Mail.
Academia
Local student determined to achieve yesterday’s deadline
Entrance exams to more accurately represent university studies; written test replaced with all-night weeping
World News, Politics
UKIP admirably pledges to strive for even subtler racism
Potentially anti-Conservative Students ‘not apathetic enough’, says Cameron
Hip politician creates Myspace page; wins student vote overnight
Less of your politics, Cambridge. More of this.
Health and Fitness
BREAKING NEWS: Gardies meal only counts for one of your recommended five-a-day Gardies meals, says science
Symbolic gym membership worth every penny
Fellows’ wine allowance to be restricted to three quaffs per meal
NEXT WEEK: an in-depth documentary of the wildlife of Cambridgeshire, as several species of punt dozily emerge from hibernation.
Daisy O'Connor
James Hyde
Five reasons why Medwards is the best college at Cambridge University
Jessica SpearmanThere’s more to us than ‘that one on the hill’
‘Students were not being used as pawns’: The key take-aways from the UCU open meeting
Eleanor LewisThe fight back against casual, insecure working conditions continues
Double trouble: The twin experience at university
Sophie TallonA reflection on the university experience as a twin
Fitz Winter Ball is giving May Balls a run for their money
Esther KnowlesWith Tinchy Stryder headlining, Fitz Winter Ball is the ‘Number 1’ event happening in Michaelmas
Lucy Barber
Leah Whiting
How to matricu-slay: A reflection on my matriculation at Cambridge University
Tally ArundellIts official! I’ve entered the depths of hell…I mean Cambridge
Cambridge University’s King’s College covered in orange paint in Just Stop Oil protest
The demonstration is one of a series of attacks on UK universities such as Manchester and University College London
Seven things I’ve learnt as a Cambridge Fresher
April O'NeillIn the words of Danny Dyer – what have I got meself into?
University of Cambridge is nothing without its students
We need to give ourselves more credit; University of Cambridge is nothing without us
Sandi Toksvig appointed Qantabrigian Bye-Fellow at Christ’s College
Sightings of former bake-off star around Cambridge explained
Six things I learnt about Cambridge when visiting other universities
The Cambridge quirks become so obvious!
From freebies to societies, how to make the most of Cambridge’s Freshers’ Fair
Lisa Hana DelaneyGoing once is never enough
Student activists arrested for Schlumberger protest
OCRA and XR activists were apprehended by police
Five things you might not realise about living in Cambridge year round
Moving every item across main site makes life worth living
Your guide to surviving Cambridge Freshers’ Week
Freya JohnThe excuse ‘I’m just a silly fresh’ will be your best friend
anotherstephen
Co-star romances and age-gap relationships: All of Paul Hollywood’s biggest controversies
Lydia Spencer-ElliottHe’s back handing out handshakes on another series of The Great British Bake Off
Boo! These are officially the most haunted UK unis in 2023, based on ghost sightings
Emily SmithThere have been 59 ghost sightings at one UK uni
MAFS gossip column: Jordan responds to fight scandal and cast knew each other before the show?!
Hayley SoenThe drama really never ends!
Tour buses and family dramas: A brief history of One Direction’s run-ins with the law
Liam Payne has just had his driver’s license suspended
‘You’re scared to step outside’: Two women share their stories of being stalked at uni
This doesn’t only happen to celebrities like Holly Willoughby
Another one! People spot a further editing error in MAFS questioning a staged dinner
Nothing is sacred anymore
Um, the video of Georges squatting has been revealed and you absolutely have to watch it
Ellie RingGive this man all the baguettes
Attention pickpocket! The uni cities where you’re most likely to have your phone stolen
I’m switching back to a Nokia brick after this
Meet Lauren Sintes: The 27-year-old model joining the cast of Made in Chelsea
Of course she’s well connected with most of the cast
Rugby boys and the cleaning rota: Just 19 uni things that are none of my business
The hygiene rating of my fave kebab shop has nothing to do with me!
From secret hookups to cheating: All the biggest bombshells from the Love Is Blind reunion
I’m in shock at all of these
Why do posh people sleep with all their mates? A very serious investigation
The Made in Chelsea mayhem has gone on long enough
‘You’ve made a c*** of yourself’: Shona shares off-screen chat that saw Brad axed from MAFS
‘Bradley said he was behaving like a caged animal’
MAFS UK star Chanita Stephenson calls out the current cast for being a ‘bit too wild!’
She thinks they’re on the show ‘for fun’ and are not ‘focusing on their marriages’
‘Go f**k yourself’: Luke calls out ‘snake’ in MAFS cast who ‘sold’ story of him having a fight
It was revealed today Luke has been removed from the show following a physical fight