Queens’ becomes criminal hotspot

Freshers beginning to settle in at Queens’ have been hit by a spate of food stealing that has seen unprecedented levels of security implemented by College staff.

Queens’ Dean of Discipline penned an acidic warning to all students, writing that the College ‘will implement security measures immediately’ to try to combat the problem that is once more rearing its head at the college.

These include card controlling all staircases and inspecting all card access logs, turning Cripps Court into nothing short of a Big Brother controlled surveillance zone.

He finishes by threatening that ‘Other security measures in the kitchens will be activated’, fuelling widespread speculation that Queens’ is planning on removing all fridges from gyp rooms unless the problem abates.

Martin means business

He goes further to state that the current situation creates an air of ‘distrust and insecurity’ that ultimately threatens College as a ‘place of safety which runs on respect and mutual support’.

Queens’ wavering reputation as a friendly, inclusive college is on knife edge, with one Fresher overheard as telling her equally frightened neighbour she ‘doesn’t feel safe in her own bed’, now that all three of her ready meals and a pint of milk have vanished overnight.

No longer a safe haven

Queens’ JCR Committee have offered some advice for victims, including helpful information on preventative measures such as locking kitchens where possible, or padlocking cupboards.

It is hoped that groundbreaking initiatives such as these may be enough to deter the hardened food criminals that are terrorising Queens’ once safe and protected halls.