Mussel thief strikes Johns
Kitchen theft is tearing through Cambridge, with Johns being the latest college to be struck!
Large-scale kitchen thieving is causing concern in Johns, with a particular emphasis on mussels…
John’s Freshers’ Ben and Emma have been robbed of 300g of cheese, a carton of juice, a packet of Ploughman’s sandwiches and an entire bag of mussels. All in a single day!
The Stolen Mussels in question came from Ben’s uncle Barnie who makes a living farming and painting mussels in Cornwall.
Probably the most First World crime of all time
Before leaving home, Ben took two packets of mussels from Barnie’s shop, one pack of leaf-painted mussels and another pack of flower themed mussels. Ben even gave Emma the pack of leaf shaped mussels because she loves shellfish. And they say romance is dead…
To make matters worse, Ben’s uncle Barnie is now in hospital following an incident with a fishing net. He’s had to temporarily close his shop so the stolen mussels are, literally, irreplaceable.
Speaking to us, Ben and Emma said:
“We’re both feeling not only stressed and distressed about this terrible incident but also utterly violated. Previous to this we felt that our kitchen was a safe place for mussels and all seafoods alike, but now we feel that the sanctity of our fridge has been compromised, and we no longer know who to trust.
“We’re yet to discover who the perpetrator of this heinous crime is, but we’re conducting thorough investigations. We suspect the criminal at hand to be the same for all of these disgusting and reprehensible incidents.”
A dark curse is upon Johns
“We’re all very shaken by the incident- Emma is now having trouble sleeping at night!”
When pressed for a possible solution, the determined two added:
“We haven’t taken forth any formal complaints- we prefer a more vigilante approach of threatening messages and a general atmosphere of distrust.
“One particular individual on our floor has considered setting up his iPhone with an app to record motion within the fridge for further investigations.”
Time to mussel up and find the culprit! If you have any information, you can contact the Tab anonymously by commenting below.
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