Rough guide to SEX in some OK places

Cambridge is a bustling, ancient city brimming with highly unsuitable locations in which to copulate. Here are our five recommendations for some of the better places to air your loins and your dignity (look out for clichés).

John’s Roof

First things first, bag yourself a perky Johnian. They’re a fine crop of freshers this year. You’ve got 20 minutes until you have to give the keys back to the porter (they know what you’re up to) – so better make it quick.

Not that your fresher should have much trouble delivering on that front.

Prowess of Johnian Fresher *

Speed *****

Stairs ***

View ****

Pick one

Leckhampton House, Corpus Christi College

Don’t feel like landing a tiddler from Johns? Get on yer bike and visit the hotbed of salacious graduate copulation that is the Leckhampton estate. It’s off the beaten track, but worth the traipse, if mature’s what you’re into.

We hear things are out of control over there – too many nutty PhD students with way too much spare time. They’ve gone wild. The grads have gone wild.

Convenience **

Quantity of potential sexual partners *****

Quality/Attractiveness of potential sexual partners *

Real mature

Botanic Gardens Glasshouses

They’re steamy, they’re hot, they’re deserted. And they’re full of orchids. Orchids are sexy. Steer clear of the Arid house, though. Prickly.

Steamed up specs ***

Orchids *****

Cacti *

Your date doesn’t have to have a face

Behind the Bike Sheds

Any bike shed. Take your pick. There are hundreds round Cambridge. Not very original, but a classic, full of schoolboy nostalgia.

The ones at the Clare site on Queen’s Road are nice and secluded, and conveniently located close to Sidge.

Originality *

Ease of Escape *****

Cliché factor ****

UL, North wing, 5^th floor. P751-P755: Slavonic Languages

After extensive shifty loitering in the furthest flung reaches of the UL, we have come to realise that the Eastern European Languages section is the place. It’s a graveyard in there. There might be the occasional PostDoc hanging around looking Balkan poetry. Ignore him and duly proceed, he’ll shuffle off sooner or later.

PostDocs *

Seclusion ****

Pomeranian ***

Czech there’s no one there

Go off now. If you see a used condom by the Estonian English dictionary, I know I’ve done my job properly.