Things we regret on a night out

Pretty self explanatory really. Get drunk feel guilty, but LAV IT!

Shoes

Those knock off Kimmy K’s looked so good with your outfit at pre-drinks… So why are they now making your feet feel like you’re walking on goddamn lava?

And don’t you dare take them off, unless you want your soles covered in the remnants of sweat, spilled jaeger, regret, someone’s dignity and possibly semen from the humping couple in the middle of the dance floor.

Sick treds or an intrusion of molten igneous rock?

Trying to be best friends with the bouncer.

You’re the 100^th person they’ve let in tonight. They aren’t going to remember you unless they’re carrying you out of the door while you projectile vomit (#true story).

So guess what, learning their name and trying to slip them your number isn’t going to get you free entry, probably just a reputation.

I wuv you

That third (be honest, it’s your sixth) jaegerbomb

“Just one more”.

Famous last words. That sweet, sweet scent of jaeger is calling your name. Then…

Say hello to the Lola Lo’s toilet; hair covered in vomit and a blurry memory of events. Oh, why did you message your new Tinder match!?

This year’s chlamydia tests were more fun

Seeing the popular kid from your course on the dance floor and convincing them ‘we should hang out more’.

Many friendships have been formed in the girls bathroom, at the bar or in the smoking area.

None have been formed from you squeezing between dancing couples and stumbling over to say hi to someone you know only via six degrees of separation.

I can’t believe we’re not friends already

Seeing your uni crush on the dance floor and convincing them ‘we should hang out more’.

This is worse than the above. Unless you just want some no-strings-attached sex. If so, hoist up your skirt and get over there!

Just don’t trip.

Trying to dance like Beyonce but looking like Hunni Boo Boo’s mum.

You think you’ve got moves like Jager after a few shots of tequila. Little do you realise you’ve got the moves of an uncoordinated walrus.

Stick to the two-step and we’ll get through this.

Club Photo

It’s the fourth time you’ve grabbed the photographer to take a group pic, a couple photo and a funny faced snap. Did you realise you have drink poured down your fresh white shirt? Oh yeah, and your tits are hanging out too.

The gormless face, the lingering arm, the classic

That dirty, doner kebab.

Think alcohol morning breath was bad? Try mixed with onion, lamb and sometimes (depending if you’re weird like my housemate) jalapeños.

And good lord, do not get a kebab if you’re having a one night stand.Waking up smelling of drunk sex is bad enough without having last night’s kebab laying on your bedside table.

Aphrodisiacs served with a smile

Waking up in last night’s makeup.

Avoid looking like the Joker in the morning by stashing some make-up wipes under your pillow. Drunk you will be refreshed. Hung-over you will have fewer spots.

Remember, lipstick stains are a bitch to get out.

If only his mother had told him the best way to get rid of makeup

“AFTER PARTY AT MY HOUSE”.

No drunk you, NO. You should have gone to bed hours ago. Do you think your housemates want drunk strangers coming back to their clean house?

They may seem happy about it, but you know better Mr. Wasted. Naughty.

Regret them, maybe… we all know you’ll do it again.