Cops release stats saying Cambridge is crawling with crime

We thought shit had hit the proverbial fan when someone nicked our favourite bench in Cambridge.

Now, striking more fear into our hearts, Cambridgeshire’s police force have released statistics detailing the various numbers of occurred crimes according to postcode area, giving us a view of the highest and lowest levels of criminal activity.

According to this, CB3 has the lowest rate of crime. You can stop panicking now, Queen’s.

The highest crime rate was CB1 (the area which ironically covers the police station), wherein the only Cambridge college is Hughes Hall.

Maybe think twice about stumbling here for a 3am booty call?

Since only 2013, crimes overall have increased by 13 per cent from 4,848 to 5,484.

Are we getting more bad-boy students enrolling in Cambs perhaps?

Interestingly, there’s been a spike in sex attacks reported to the Cambridgeshire force, which detectives believe is due to the effect of local paedophile doctor Myles Bradbury and Libyan soldiers who were stationed at Bassingbourn Barracks.

But, on the bright side (if there is one), drug offences are down with the help of police driving out London dealers who have links with gangs in the capital.

The hero we want, not the one we deserve

Detective Chief Inspector Lorraine Parker, who is the crime manager for Cambridge, said: “We are looking at Market ward as a city centre area and Abbey ward as a residential area to see what we can do to tackle violent crime. It’s about a different way of looking at the offence to see what works.”

“Cambridge is a very different place as regards crime to say the 1990s when we would see a lot of armed robberies and burglary. Crime is falling but we are not being complacent.”

Both Christ’s and Parker’s Pieces fall into the gangster wasteland that is CB1

Here are the full findings and the colleges which fall into each postcode:

CB1 – Hughes Hall

Violence, 621

Burglary, 288

Drugs, 218

Criminal damage, 376

Vehicle crime, 133

Sex offences, 63

Rape, 38

Total – 1,737

CB2 – Christ’s, Clare, Corpus, Downing, Emma, Caius, Homerton, Kings, Pembroke, Peterhouse, St. Catz, Sidney, St. Johns, Trinity, Tit Hall

Violence, 563

Burglary, 115

Drugs, 149

Criminal damage, 164

Vehicle crime, 74

Sex offences, 64

Rape, 8.

Total – 1,137

CB3 – Churchill, Clare Hall, Darwin, Fitz, Girton (yeah, we were surprised it’s in Cambridgeshire at all too), Lucy Cav, Magdelene, Medwards, Newnham, Queen’s, Robinson, St. Edmunds, Selwyn, Wolfson

Violence, 52

Burglary, 107

Drugs, 15

Criminal damage, 49

Vehicle crime, 131

Sex offences, 10

Rape, 2

Total – 366

CB5 – Jesus

Violence, 251

Burglary, 124

Drugs, 62

Criminal damage, 118

Vehicle crime, 63

Sex offences, 22

Rape, 6

Total – 646

So sleep easy, Cantabs. You’re relatively safe to walk home from Cindies on a Wednesday. With a large group of people. And a rape whistle.