Girton in bedlam as “unfair” and “backstabbing” room ballot leaves students fuming

Housing balloting SHOULD be a democratic system. But at Girton, it seems, it’s all about how loud you cry.

The Tab has learnt that a network of lies, bribes and deceit has led to an atmosphere of distrust and back-stabbing as students screw each other over to persuade authorities that they deserve the best pads.

But we ALL live in Hogwarts, why can’t we all just get along like we did in middle school?

A corridor of students went to the lengths of writing an actual letter to the College authorities, detailing precisely why they deserved a specific corridor over another group of students.

The letter implied that their opposition were nothing more than party animals — whereas the writers themselves “much prefer cooking and conversing as opposed to heavy drinking, almost always opting for quiet film night in the JCR instead of the experience offered by a club night at Life.”

The cringe-worthy letter also included references to the “excellent relationship” formed with their “housekeeper Lynne”, “often stopping for long chats and even exchanging Christmas cards and presenting her with a gift at the end of last term.”

It goes on to self-admiringly simper: “Our strength as a group and strong sense of community is known around college.”

They’re the group that everyone wishes they were a part of

One student snubbed by the nepotistic system, Edmund Gazeley, was left feeling frustrated: “I was screwed over by the ballot system last year.”

“Rather than fight it I just took the card that was dealt to me, I thought I would have better residence this term in light of this, but my room is a worse grade than people who have stayed in college.”

Numerous other letters have reportedly been sent to the JCR, some identifying specific individuals to bad-mouth and slate in order to secure the best cribs for themselves.

A coveted Grade-A listed undergrad room in Girton. We can’t all be so lucky

Harmless Life-lover Chris Webster and his friends report being made out as “vulgar louts with a known desire to exploit the pubs and clubs of town.”

“Furthermore, my room was changed last minute from a 2nd (b) to a 1st grading (a).”

Controversy was stirred throughout college when room regrades were changed at the last second – minutes before the ballot went out.

The dreaded Wolfson Court, housing 92 undergrads

Those students who wrote to the College ahead of the ballot were ‘guaranteed’ specific accommodation, rendering, in the words of one anonymous student, “the whole process ridiculous.”

“As ever, the overindulged and mollycoddled can’t bite the bullet of social equality.”

So much for the friendliness of Girton.

Chums don’t matter no more when the Grange is at stake.