For sale: The no regrets lifestyle

Do you feel yourself constantly regretting your actions? Yes? Then this is for you.

You have two options:

Option 1) Carefully consider the pros and cons of potentially destructive behaviour, hence reducing the likelihood of regret-generating activities.

Naturally this comes with a couple of associated obstacles – the most significant being: effort.

Option 2) Continue to partake in said destructive behaviour and stubbornly choose to reject the gnawing and pervasive sensations of disappointment and frustration that you are left with. This is the NO REGRETS LIFESTYLE.

Buy now or **REGRET** it later.

Commitment to the lifestyle

The No Regrets Lifestyle is so versatile:

Made a drunken mistake? Found yourself in awkward situation with almost everyone you know as a result of actions undertaken while in a drunken stupor?

NO REGRETS – No one remembers what happens outside daylight hours anyway. No way will anyone recall you accosting the 7 Deadly Cindies camera crew in the early hours of Thursday morning, demanding to be featured and refusing to return the microphone. Depending on the severity of your unacceptable behaviour, you will be forgiven within the time frame of anything between 10 years and eternity. Forgive, forget, but never regret.

Can’t be arsed with menial life tasks? Don’t feel like washing the dishes that have been festering in your sink since Week Two? NO REGRETS – liberate yourself from the unending spiral of industry that is required to live in a sanitary, habitable space. You have nothing to loose but your chains.

Free from oppression

Eaten a little too much over the last few weeks? Months? Since you can remember? Started to realize that muscle/bones are indistinguished beneath the layer of pizza and Sainsbury’s cookies produced fat? NO REGRETS – Life is short, shaving off a few years due to a premature clogged artery induced heart attack is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Joyous when it’s on the lips, NO REGRETS when it’s on the hips.

YOLO amirite?

Didn’t organise to do anything productive the summer? Or better, were you offered a top-fight internship but chose to reject it in favour of a holiday? NO REGRETS – Internships are overrated – you’ll probably find intellectual fulfillment and a bounty of job prospects in Magaluf anyway.

Failing your degree? NO REGETS – It is far easier to enjoy a life made up of daytime television at home on the sofa rather than being forced, kicking and screaming, through the education system. Get out while you can.

What about the 9 grand that you invested pre-lifestyle overhaul? NO REGRETS – your new lifestyle drastically cuts financial requirements anyway – you’ll only need gin, a consistent supply of Ben & Jerry’s and a Netflix subscription from now on.

#noregrets

I invested in the NO REGRETS lifestyle, and it was the most liberating decision of my life. We are constantly plagued by first world concerns and issues – and society forces us to believe that the correct option is to fix these problems and try not to make the same mistake again.

Fuck society and its unyielding pressures.

Sometimes there will be shit you don’t want to do and sometimes there will be shit that you really don’t want to do.

You can either just roll along with what societal expectation requires and actually go and get shit done – or you can take the high road, you can purchase the NO REGRETS mentality and never have to do any of it, regretlessly.

The decision is clear. Choose life without responsibility. Choose life without obligation. Choose life without regrets.