An open letter to guys who send dick pics

A few weeks ago I was traumatised.

So picture it, it’s a rainy Wednesday evening and choosing between right and left. That’s right, I’m on Tinder.

I’m swiping left and right like it’s nobody’s business. I get chatting to a guy who seems friendly, supports the Green Party and likes Russell Brand.

He is an attractive idealist. His idealism makes him attractive, as does his face. We have moved this over to ‘Whatsapp’ and are enjoying a conversation about the NHS when he suddenly he says, “Can I be cheeky?” I am intrigued by this question. Is he about to comment on its sometimes-slow service?

Tinder: Stimulating intellectual conversations since 2014.

No. He is about to send me a dick pic. The image appears on my screen and, lucky me, it is accompanied with a video. The male in question has sent me a video that traces his naked body up and down, and involves a lingering shot of his erect penis.

Nuff said.

I asked him ‘why did you send me that?’ He did not reply. It got me thinking. The answer was, ‘because I want sex and I wanted to see if you wanted it with me’. But, still, really why was sending a dick pic his go-to mechanism in order to attract a sexual partner?

I suppose you could call it peacocking. Sexual display is everywhere, from the animal kingdom to the Tate. It’s practically an orgy in there. In this way I can see why he might think, on an animalistic, or perhaps even on a cultural level, sharing a study of the male form might inspire me to take a closer look at the “artwork”. Alas, it did not. More funny and traumatic than intellectually or sexually stimulating, the dick pic just left me shocked.

To the man who sent me this footage, I have a message for you. Unless I have said I would like to see a picture of your penis (some women do actually enjoy them) then do not send me one. Do not hasten to put together a short dramatic performance on video either – I’ve never been one for independent cinema.

That’s nice.

I would also like to emphasise that I will not be more likely to pick up the phone and give you a call if you have sent me a picture of your penis. You may want to advertise yourself in the best light. You may want to show, like a picture on amazon before you buy, what the potential customer would be getting. But, your penis is not on my amazon wish-list nor will it ever be because your penis is not a commodity.

Humorous conversation can cause sexual sparks to fly, and often works better than the virtual equivalent of someone grinding on you in a club like a horny dog humping an armchair. Subtlety, mystery, words that are not often associated with Tinder or casual relationships need not be alien to them.

Dick pics are not a successful tool to cut, or penetrate, the ice. A woman will not suddenly have an epiphany once you have sent her a picture of your penis. It is highly likely that she is already aware if you want to have sex with her and will not be swayed one way or another after seeing such an image. If you suspect she is not aware of the direction you would like things to go in, then ask her for a drink, or for lunch or a nice game of scrabble. She’ll probably get the idea.

Eroticism and scrabble always go hand-in-hand.

If you are certain you want something purely sexual, you can be straight up about what you want and say, “I am looking for something casual”. But, do not by any means think that a dick pic is just a faster, simpler, cleaner way of saying the same thing.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but not all of those words will be positive. Think before you act. Reflect before you send.

#filter

Or if you do send, and ignore all of my advice, at least put a filter on it.