An open letter to all the people that piss me off

I tend to see myself as a tolerant individual. Unfortunately, exam season has got to me and they say the best way to relieve stress is to get something off your mind. So this happened.

Some of these are clichéd. But they’re clichéd for a reason – it’s because they happen the whole time and plague everyone’s innocent lives. So if you are guilty of any of them, now is the time to stop.

People who need to quite literally shut the fuck up about work

It’s exam term. This one was inevitable so I may as well get it out of the way early on.

So you spent 15 hours in the library today? And you’re feeling shattered? I’ve had a pretty intense day as well actually. I watched 8 re-runs of the Graham Norton show, and fashioned an intricate coat hanging system on the back of my door.

In case you thought I was making this shit up

Oh, did you not care about what I did with my day? Because I couldn’t give a rat’s arse about yours either, especially when it essentially constitutes you bleating about your productivity while making the feeble claim that ‘you actually didn’t get much done.’

The person who uses my saucepan without asking

Maybe I have a peanut allergy and maybe, just maybe, your chicken satay could be the cause of my untimely downfall. Ok so I don’t have a peanut allergy and generally speaking I’m a huge fan of oriental condiments but you don’t know that. So don’t use my shit without asking.

Especially after I’ve left a passive aggressive note above the hob, politely requesting that you refrain from using my tin to cook quorn sausages and then leaving it in the corner with the fat congealing within as if I’m literally just not going to notice.

This person knows what’s up

People who say they go out three times a week and just don’t

It’s not necessary. It just isn’t. We’re not in Leeds. If you don’t want to go out 3 times a week and as such, don’t – you genuinely are under no obligation to proclaim that you do. If you would prefer to drown your sorrows in a Netflix binge-watch than a bottle of Aldi’s finest then that is more than ok, so cut the crap and embrace the honesty and self-acceptance.

People who are organised

I have no time for you. No literally, I have no time for you. I’m such a disorganised mess that I just don’t have time for anything anymore. And part of that is your fault because occasionally the guilt will be overwhelming and I’ll make a half-hearted attempt at productivity.

I’ll try and emulate your wanky colour-coded calendar system, and seven dried out highlighters and three and a half hours later, I’ll admire my masterpiece and realise I’ve factored in 31 days for February and just left out April altogether. 

Lofty heights that I can only dream of

People who have their shit together

Similar to the above but I just can’t deal with it. Maybe I’m jealous. Ok yes I’m jealous. Because my shit is as un-together as Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, as separate as the Koreas, as incompatible as marmite and jaffa cakes…and sometimes I can’t help but wish that I could be the kind of person who factors in contingency time when making plans to go somewhere, or who packs their bag the night before. But sadly I’m not. And so if you are then I resent you.

Broke an arm but lost the sling. This is when you know your shit is not together.

Lecturers that don’t give handouts

It’s almost like you’re expecting me to actually be paying attention at 9am on a Thursday morning. Spoiler alert: I’m not. I tuned in briefly when you were talking about Planetary Albedo but that’s only because I could have sworn you accidentally said libido.

The struggle is real

People who can’t use self-checkout

My only explanation for people who struggle so desperately with such a simple concept is that you don’t go to Sainsbury’s much. In which case you don’t buy food much. In which case I don’t understand you. Soz.

Sainsbury’s still employs actual humans at the normal checkout for OAPs and people like yourself. All I came in for was a kitkat chunky and some baked beans so please, god please, let me sail through that unnecessarily lengthy maze of a self checkout queue, safe in the knowledge that I’m not going to have to stand there in frustration for 10 minutes while you try and scan in your carton of soy milk.

A gauntlet of temptation

People who dance with their elbows

I want you to cast your mind back. Do you have any recollection of dancing so aggressively in Cindies that you got pissy at the fact that you couldn’t helicopter as wildly as you would have liked, so actively and intentionally elbowed an innocent bystander in the face and as such she actually fell over?

Because if you do then FUCK YOU because that was ME you fucker, and while I was lying there in a pool of VK and tears, anger rose from within me like it never has before. Next time you’ll be getting a swift, debilitating kick in the shin.

This behaviour is not OK

So there you go. Consider this a form of self help. If you identify with any of the above then I’m not asking you to change, I’m just asking you to entirely reinvent the fundamental aspects of your personality and life choices.

Lots of love xoxox