Confessions of a Library Wanker

The season is well and truly upon us – exams are nigh and the library beckons.

But as the boundaries between your bedroom and the book-lined walls of the biblioteque begin to blur (the alliteration is killing me), you are made acutely aware of those people whose library etiquette is far from acceptable.

I’m afraid I’m one of those people. I am a library wanker, and here’s why:

I’m the one who leaves stuff lying around

I know those reserve notes state you can only leave your things unattended for an hour, but I refuse to bow down to the dictatorship of the institution. Instead, I like to roam free, draping clothing, and often bedding, wherever it pleases me, often for prolonged periods of time.

I will spread stationary everywhere in an attempt to convince others I’m actually being productive, and you will be so intimidated by my vast expanses of stuff that you won’t dare to shift me from my desk, despite the fact I have been absent from it for at least two days.

Just marking out my territory

I’m the one who hoards all the reading stands

In addition to my plentiful stationary, I will also have an extensive range of book chairs, which I have acquired from all depths of the library, and collated neatly in one place. Everyone knows that half of the little metal prop bits don’t actually stay up, and so it is crucial I have all available options at my disposal. I’m afraid you paupers will have to hold the pages open yourselves.

Sorry if this is stressing you out

I’m the one who talks all the time

I get bored easily. And I become particularly restless during extended periods of silence that I’m supposed to fill by reading books about things I don’t massively care about but apparently need to know.

Unfortunately for you, this means I will desperately try and engage anyone in conversation, in an attempt to restore sanity and remind myself what human interaction feels like. Yes, I’m probably having the most futile conversation, alternating between the pros and cons of today’s buttery menu and wistful dreaming about May Week. I’m also probably having it in that incredibly irritating pitch of whisper that is almost definitely louder than just normal talking. But I really don’t care.

Who would dare to ruin the peace? Me. That’s who.

I’m the one who takes all the books

Whilst glancing my way in disbelief and anger at my inability to shut up, you may also notice the piles of books I have stacked up around me. ‘How does she need that many volumes?’ you may ask yourself. The answer is that I don’t.

However, I have been given a reading list, and should I at any moment decide I actually quite fancy delving into the depths of eighteenth century English law, I don’t want to have to go out of my way.

I will therefore hoard the entirety of my suggested reading, despite the fact that I will almost definitely never get round to opening any of it. Whether or not you are in need of any of my acquired literature is of no matter to me. Oh and just in case you were wondering, I’ll probably end up reading them in EBook form anyway.

Busy perfecting the art of looking productive

I’m the one who doesn’t actually need to be there

The reason I can be so flippant about not reading my extensive collection of books is because I don’t actually have much need of them. I’m that prelim dickhead who swans around all term, occasionally complaining about the stresses of writing a weekly essay, but more frequently throwing it in your face that I can lie in bed all day watching Netflix and it won’t be a detriment to my life.