A very UL horror story

Get nice and cosy, children, for you are about to hear a most terrifying tale, packed full of books rather than ghosts. This story may or not be based on the idiotic life decisions and tragic experiences of the author of this article. Do not judge her.

Many moons ago on a stormy saturday afternoon at around 4.30 pm, 30 short minutes before closing time, one girl decided to make the trek to the UL to find some weird old edition. She was a second year english student and so should have been accustomed to the process of exploring this library, but she’d heard so many horrifying tales of its dark corridors and the studious demons that lurk there that she was never brave enough.

This day, however, was a different day. She wanted to be a good student who faced her fears and went that extra mile in her weekly essay. Alas, this pure sentiment was to be her downfall. If only she knew to ask for help when looking for a book and not to go so late. Alas, it’s too late now.

Thunder and lightning struck as she cycled towards the library, the black clouds that surrounded the phallic building should have been the first sign that she should turn back. But she naively ignored it.

The phallic pit of hell

As she scanned her card to unlock the turnstyles into the UL an announcement came echoing through the speakers warning everyone that the library was to shut in fifteen minutes. She didn’t listen. The silly girl was too busy feeling smug with herself for making it to the library during the weekend.

She’d been several times before, but only to work on the ground floor in the reading room during exam term, safe amongst the masses. This time, she turned right and headed on down the corridor in search of some eighteenth century anthology or something.

With every flight of stairs she climbed, the darker it became. She heard feet shuffling and some distant echoes. Gulping furiously in fear, she continued to make her way to the third floor.

This guy clearly knows what being trapped feels like

As she walked into the room, she heard some chatting in the corner. She ran quickly behind a dusty shelf but luckily it was only two students packing up so she stupidly continued to trawl the shelves for a book.

However, she couldn’t it because the library system is so fucking confusing as there are too many numbers and letters. Why wasn’t there a guide on how to UL for dummies, because it’s clearly impossible. Suddenly, she realised the room got considerably darker. Her heart jumped out of her chest and the fear suddenly kicked in.

Reluctantly, she made her way towards the door and discovered IT WAS ONLY BLOODY LOCKED.

That was it. She was trapped there forever. Destined for a lifetime in the UL, likely to become Cambridge’s version of moaning myrtle who haunted the bookshelves. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she collapsed on the floor. She couldn’t even connect to eduroam to tell her friends. She was even going to miss the rogue danger spoons night out planned for later.

Much like the chilean miners, escaping the UL makes you a modern day hero

After crying for a good five minutes or so, she mustered up the courage to attempt to find freedom, she was not about to become a prisoner of academia. She ran and ran through the pitch black room and down past a billion shelves, until she found a majestic fire escape door. She ran through a few of those and bolted up the stairs. Alas, it was to no avail as all doors seemed to be locked.

But then she turned one more corridor, even though she was on the brink of giving up and accepting her fate that she would be trapped in the library forever, forced to actually study for her 9 grand a year degree. There it was! She was suddenly staring at the shining lights of the ground floor.

She punched the air with joy and she was free. Two women who worked there tried to tell her off but all she could do was remove her figurative handcuffs, do a celebratory hotline bling dance and run as fast as she could out of that goddamn prison in the last two minutes before it closed. If the TV series Prison Break is revived for a new season soon, you know what to base the plot on.

The moral is, kids, don’t bother going to the UL until exam term or else you will meet a very horrifying end.