Fun ways to spice up your dreary Cambridge life

We’ve all seen our friends at Bristol, Leeds or Nottingham having the coolest nights out in their waviest garms and never seeming to ever have essay deadlines. Yet, there you are. The only all-nighters you’ve pulled recently have been in the library. How do you cope?

We at the Tab will be the ones to guide you through these dark days and teach you the simple steps you can take in order to reinvigorate your lives just like a refreshing shower gel.

Let’s start at the very beginning of your day, which is a very good place to start. If you’re awake in time and a devoted student (as we all are) this probably involves lectures. Unless you study a humanities subject, but at least tell your DoS that this is how you spent your morning.

Me furiously searching how to be cool and nerdy at the same time

The best solution is to make every lecture a children’s party. As the lecturer walks it, shout “surprise” as though it were their birthday party. Then, proceed to pop party poppers and spray silly string on their faces. They may not like you for this, but if you offer them a gift at the end they will forgive you.

If you are bored after twenty minutes of the lecture, interrupt by singing “Happy birthday” loudly and get everyone else to join in. If you feel yourself starting to fall asleep then produce a pinata from your bag and proceed to whack it. Blow bubbles and throw confetti throughout the lecture. Ensure you hand out party bags at the end to your favourite people.

For a sugar rush to keep you going, no lecture is complete without party rings!

Next, we should tackle the demon of Cambridge that is the dreaded supervision. You know your essay was awful and you have nothing to talk about but there is a whole hour to fill. What on earth can you do?

We must look for examples in society of people who are more skilled than students at bullshitting. The answer is evidently in the House of Commons. Since when has an MP actually answered a question? Never. So, take a leaf out of their books and ensure that you answer everything your supervisor asks you with a totally irrelevant answer. Here are some of our suggestions:

“As much as I know Bond films are a part of British heritage, I really do not feel that they can get away with this sort of misogyny any longer.”

“I think David Attenborough narrating the Adele video is maybe the best thing on the internet ever.”

“My interpretation is that the etymology of the term ‘lukewarm’ must have come about due to a boy of the past named Luke whom was famed for his picky specifications for the temperature of his bath.”

Let this Halloween blunder teach you a lesson not to go TOO far. You want to have fun but you don’t want to get kicked out.

If you need more answers, then literally answer with whatever random story springs to mind and say it with aggressive hand gestures. To further create the illusion that you are a politician, turn up wearing your smartest suit and wear a paper mask with an MP’s face on it (maybe not David Cameron’s after the hypocrisy this has caused). During the supervision, produce various items from your bag and announce you claimed them on expenses.

The last most traumatic aspect of a Cambridge student’s life is their relationship with the library. The best way to get through a night of work is to start by scratching a name into a hidden corner of your desk saying “I woz here 2k15, help me escape”. If this does not amuse you enough, write notes for future students and hide them in books around the library. Then, to be truly rebellious, go on a rampage and move books to the incorrect shelves.

Yes, it’s true! Cindies can be your home 24/7

If this is not wild and crazy enough for you because you’re desperate to go out, then you need to bring Cindies to you. Start by bringing your kettle to the library and have a sneaky cup of tea to get you going. Then, message your mates and start pre-drinking right there. Be everyone’s dream college welfare officer by asking anyone else working to join in on the party and ply them with Sainsbury’s basic vodka. Grab some speakers and pump out those tunes, but only for a minute and a half each.

Remember, do not feel you must conform to traditions at our old-fashioned university, you can revolutionise it. Spice up your studies as we have ordered and you will be sure to become not only a BNOC, but also a hero.