The News Bulletin, Week 6: Setting a president, grass-sniffing students and Eggmanuel

Supercilious Summary

Week six has finally arrived, marking the beginning of the last few weeks of term. Most of us seem to have survived without feeling the need to smear faeces all over restrooms. However, a minority of students appear to have (in every sense) “lost their shit”. The Vomerton college “Shitstorm” (as the normally sanctimonious Varsity called it) consisted of drunken bop attendees spreading a plethora of bodily fluids through the toilets, along with breaking tiles and climbing onto balconies. The cost of reparations has been estimated to be as high as £4,000. Bizarrely, this isn’t even the first time students have had problems controlling their excretion in Homerton. Three years ago The Tab published a story recalling Homerton corridors being “awash with vomit”.

Speaking of body fluids, it was RAG Blind Date again this week, as live-blogged by The Tab. Our correspondents out on the field informed us of the good, the bad and the just plain awkward. One dater lamented how the date “had no chemistry, which was ironic since he was a BioNatSci”, while another told us of how their date asked “would you like a second date”, whilst brandishing a packet of Sainsbury’s “Taste The Difference” Medjool dried dates.

In other news, Jesus College has been immersed in controversy this week after a motion was passed to repatriate a Benin bronze Cockerel from Nigeria, stolen in the late 19th century. Disagreements arose over the wording of a document outlining plans to give it back. Critics said the document did not justify the repatriation on the principle that it was the right thing to do, but concerned itself with the reputation of the college.

Barbara Cantab

Just an ordinary student’s take on the news.

Islamgelicalism

A peculiar email has been circulated this week by CICCU (Cambridge Inter-Collegiate Christian Union) encouraging evangelism towards members of I-Soc (Cambridge’s Islamic Society). I-Soc recently ran an “Explore Islam” week, designed “to introduce, to further understandings of and to encourage discussion of Islam”.

In their weekly newsletter, CICCU encouraged its members to use “friendships” with I-Soc members “as a platform for sharing the good news about Jesus”. Apparently “these guys still really need to know about Jesus and in a sense, they already believe in God.”

In what sense…?

“Rabbinically Endorsed Revelry”

On the topic of religious organisations hijacking other peoples’ storms, JSoc has been spotted advertising tickets to their 2016 ball on the bopically broken Homerton College JCR page. Their “rabbinically endorsed revelry” is being offered at an early bird rate to Homerton students. Perhaps they are pitying the Bop-less masses at Vomerton.

The party promises “unlimited alcohol, abundant food, funky tunes and a theme that literally whipped (see theme for great pun) the Cambridge press into a frenzy of excitement”.

Not-So-Blue Specs

In a rather bizarre turn of events, the fledging online publication Blue Specs has announced that they will be taking commissions from writers of all political persuasions. This might have something to do with the fact that they are slightly struggling with content, having published an average of only 0.2 articles a day since their inception in June 2015. In their desperate bid to expand their following, the Editor, Hesham Mashhour, announced that Blue Specs will now “provide a space for anyone of any political persuasion to voice their opinions, so long as they are committed to the values of free speech and the right to platform and argue their case well”.

One astute observer noted the obvious hypocrisy of their policy of ‘no-platforming’ people who believe in ‘no-platforming’. For a publication whose guiding principles are allegedly “universal principles of equality, free speech and the right to platform”, Jellie can’t help but think Blue Specs has slightly missed the mark on this one.

Should have gone to Specsavers.

Setting a President

We all know you’re jumping up and down with joy. It’s election season! No, it’s not just the narcissists with the weird hair across the pond who are looking to bag a seat at the top table. These next few weeks will see the clash of the Cambridge egomaniacs over the top spots at CUSU and the Cambridge Union Society. Most of you probably don’t care. That is fine. Please skip to the next section. We promise it will make you eggstatic.

Over at The Union Society (the free speechy one), there are currently four rumoured candidates running for the highly contested position of Union President. The last election was a fierce battle of the Tabbers with Charlotte Ivers (ex-Editor) and Sachin Parathalingam (ex-Associate Editor) executing campaigns that inadvertently led to them both featuring in the top-10 of The Tab BNOC list.

Next term, Asia Lambert, Newnham boatie, HSPSer and ex-Union-Ents Officer, is pipped as the favourite to win. She is (potentially) running against Charlotte Petter (the current Treasurer) and Joshua Ellis (current Speakers Officer and James Hutt-wannabe).

A tip from Jellie: the unfollow function on Facebook is really rather handy.

Eggmanuel  

Emmanuel is famous for the lavish lifestyle experienced by its students. Rooms cleaned, washing and drying done for them: the life of an Emma Cantab is no less than luxurious (if not a little mollycoddled). However, this bubble of comfort was burst rather unceremoniously after a bout of food-poisoning broke out.

According to an anonymous (yet reliable) source within Emma, members of the Emma choir had complained that their formal hall starter was always soup. In an attempt to appease the vexed vocalists, the caterers hatched a plan to whisk it up with an eggstravagent starter of poached eggs instead. Unfortunately, 12 people became ill after their stomachs were shell-shocked following the new eggsperience of eating a different starter.

ArcSoc Debauchery

ArcSoc saw many wide-eyed (literally) students shed their mundane monochrome for the best fancy-dress money could buy. The theme of the evening was “Welcome to the Pleasuredome”. The night passed with great success. However, one unfortunate student suffered at the hands of a fellow party-goer, dressed up as a flamingo. Stephanie Sinclair was left in shock when “smacked in the face by a guy dressed like a flamingo”. The brutish bird attempted to flee the scene of the crime, but had little hope of escape due to the conspicuous nature of his outfit. That will happen if you ruffle the feathers of a fellow student.

One of Jellie took to the dancefloor of ArcSoc with great aplomb. Whilst pretending to be entranced by the music, they were perennially scouting the Union for the best-dressed party animal. Thomas Hughes-McLure takes the prize for being the best-dressed. He disguised himself as a pumpkin spice latte, with the orange-tint of his fake tan providing a convincing addition to the ensemble. Inevitably the outfit came with the cautionary message “Contents extra hot”.

The grass ceiling 

There is a long-standing and pervasive taboo against walking on the grass in certain colleges. It is one of those archaic and little-understood traditions that Fellows of the college are permitted to stroll over the greenery, much to the jealousy of the students.

Many of you will have heard the tales of brave grass-sniffing students who took a stand against this rule by rolling around in the grass, lavishly soaking up the fumes of the pasture.

The Tab decided that enough was enough. Rumours of such criminal activity has been going on for far too long. We sent out an FOI (Freedom of Information) request to Trinity College asking how many students had rebelled against the grass-walking ban to enjoy the sweet sensation of grass under concrete-weary soles.

The answer may surprise you…

Tabocracy

Comment of the week this week goes to owl95 on Oliver’s VK article the other day, and it’s just a bit weird. This Tabocrat explains that their VK drinking habits correlate with the seasons of the year, with blue being reserved for winter, and green for the summer. They reminisce about the days of Smirnoff Ice and 4.5% alcohol content. At least they didn’t swear or say anything racist.

Send any tips here.

See you next week Cantabs.

@EllieOlcott