Give the people their columnists

We’ve put together a group of wily, well-read, and perceptive columnists who will help you navigate the confusing cobbles of Cambridge life and the dreaded Exam Term. Or not. Read their weekly missives and decide for yourself. 

Jack May, Gonville & Caius

In between pretending to care about English Literature, Jack has been a grumpy hack, spending two terms editing some student paper or other whilst becoming increasingly enraged by Cambridge’s people and things and ~vibes~. He’s going to rant at you about everything he hates. You might enjoy it.

He chose this photo because he wants you to know that while he’s serious and important he’s also man-of-the-people enough to use a public photobooth.

Eddie Spence, Pembroke 

Depraved misanthrope and confessed former fuckboi; there is no doubt that Eddie has had a chequered past. However, dispensing with past misdemeanours, this columnist is a new man – with a new image. Comprising a long list of hipsterish affectations, including a green Gallagher-esque jacket, round framed sunglasses, poorly rolled cigarettes and a penchant for not liking your favourite band, we can expect this columnist to be a keeper. Godspeed You! Twat Emperor

Cecily Bain, Clare

Cecily is a Bristolian Engling, and by definition should be so edgy it hurts. In reality her column will be a guide to everything uncool and borderline socially inept; staying in, drinking alone, and the agony of a life with no filter. Read everything in a posh accent for maximum virtual reality effect.

Robert Shearme, Trinity

CUSU campaigns don’t have enough to deal with, so here is yet another cis, white male to tell you what you should and shouldn’t do in your day to day life.

Robert Shearme will cover everyday etiquette from Champagne to dress codes. Hopefully you will learn something between revision sessions that is actually applicable. Feel free to not take it too seriously, or write shitty letters and angry emails – he doesn’t care.

Gigi Perry, Pembroke

Food obsessive. Self-confessed glutton. And belligerent curser (WTF – Where’s the Food). The Tab’s new Food Columnist Gigi Perry makes no excuses for her addiction to all things culinary and she is expecting no less commitment from you, hungry readers.

Here to bring your most wicked foodie fantasies to life, a term of sinfully easy and delicious student eats awaits. From gyp room suppers to library lunches, exam fuel to celebratory indulgences, get hungry Students of Cambridge for this cooking timetable is not for the faint hearted.

N.B. Her own eating habits are akin to an unsupervised child at a birthday party.