What Premier League team is your college?

St John’s – Chelsea

What else could St John’s be? Rich, universally disliked and full of elitism. St John’s is unnervingly similar to Chelsea, with prawn sandwich-eating, Jeremy Clarkson-loving types common to both.

Come on Tarquin!

Trinity – Man United

Disliked for their consistent success, that, unlike Man United has continued to the present day with Trinity topping the Tompkins Table in 2015.

Trinity Hall – Man City

Despite large-scale investment, Trinity Hall will always be in the shadow of its more illustrious neighbour. Has always been an indie choice for hipster students, yet in recent years has become too mainstream for the liking of some.

King’s – Liverpool

For Santayana, Keynes, Turing, Rushdie, read Shankly, Paisley, Daglish, Rogers. Great names aplenty are common at King’s. However, delusions of grandeur are also plentiful , so expect constant references to “history” and the “atmosphere” of King’s Chapel. King’s is famously left-wing as well, so the presence of a Conservative is likely to go down as well as a Mancunian wearing a Demba Ba mask at Anfield.

You’ll Never Walk Alone is frequently performed by King’s College Chapel Choir

Jesus – Arsenal

Despite excellent facilities, Jesus’ 4th place finish in the Tompkins Table last year seems to be the high-point of their ambitions, with increasing frustrations that lower-spending colleges have overtaken them.

Emmanuel – Tottenham

Full of pampered students who don’t do their own laundry, much like the wealthy bourgeois North Londoners of White Hart Lane.

Churchill – Stoke

“He’s good, but could he do it at the Brutalist architecture HQ on a cold, wet, windy Tuesday night?”

The similarities are uncanny…

Girton – Norwich

Far away in the land of Norfolk does Norwich reside. A pleasant enough college, but only those who live there know it. Indeed, a train from Norwich to London takes longer than London to Paris, and roughly similar to Cambridge City Centre from Girton (Girton distance joke quota fulfilled).

*Note* There are no suggestions of inbreeding at Girton. However, the distance to clubs/other colleges, means Girton-on-Girton ‘relations’ are likely.

Corpus Christi – Bournemouth

So small that questions can be raised as to how Corpus became a college in the first place.

Peterhouse – Crystal Palace

Its Adonian Society gives off the same slimy impression as Palace manager Alan ‘playboy’ Pardew.

Silver fox or balding eagle?

Magdalene – Leicester

Magdalene has rocketed up the Tomkins Table from relatively obscurity. Indeed, the parallels with Leicester do not end here, as Dr Rowranieri Williams, Master of Magdalene, has banned a female jelly-wrestling competition after students accused the organisers of sexism. Not quite the same level as a racist orgy in Thailand, but there’s still time for improvement.

Queens’ – West Ham

Its friendly students bear resemblance to the cheeky, chirpy cockneys who populate Upton Park. Rumours that the new Olympic Stadium is to include a replica mathematical bridge are yet to be confirmed however.

*Unverified* plans for West Ham’s new stadium

Gonville & Cauis – Sunderland

Cauis and Sunderland both possess great veteran talents in the form of Stephen Hawking and Jermain Defoe. However, Cauis has notably bad food, in common with Sunderland with most of its population enjoying a daily diet of kebabs and chips.

Clare – Everton

Much like Goodison Park, Clare’s grounds are traditional and idyllic. Indeed, Everton’s nicknames of the School of Science and the People’s Club are very applicable to Clare with its alumni including James Watson, along with its notably meritocratic admissions process.

Downing – Southampton

Downing is seen by many as a model college, with beautiful grounds and a saintly image. However, the dark fact that failed fascist Nick Griffin is one of its alumni compares with Southampton who were famously conned into signing Ali Dia, whose footballing ability was only marginially better than Griffin’s. Ali Dia – Football Genuis

Downing’s greatest alumnus

Robinson – Swansea

Only became a Cambridge college in 1977, thus possessing a distinct lack of Premier League history much like Swansea.

*Note* There are no suggestions of human-sheep relations occurring at Robinson.

Christ’s – West Brom

Cambridge’s most puritanical college, while also being the college of Darwin. West Brom’s Tony Pulis is commonly regarded as the Darwin of football, pushing evolutionary tactics of “hoof it to the big man” to the extreme. Christ’s may not be the funnest of colleges, but with Pulis in charge, they will always be well clear of the bottom of the Tompkins Table.

Charlie D in Pulis attire

Sidney Sussex – Watford

Watford wins the title of the most suburban and middle-class team in the Premier League, and is thus a fitting match for Sidney Sussex with its location being opposite Sainsbury’s.

Murray Edwards – Newcastle

Formerly ‘New Hall’ Medwards was renamed in 2008 following a £30 million donation. Similarly, it seems only a matter of time as to when Newcastle United will be rebranded as Sports Direct FC.

This article is brought to you by Sports Direct…

Homerton – Aston Villa

Need I say anymore…

Hopefully you don’t feel like this after reading this article