REVEALED: Cambridge’s top ten most notorious drinking societies

We asked and you certainly answered. 

After tirelessly combing through the highly scientific results of our infallible Google Form, the Tab can now exclusively reveal Cambridge’s ten most notorious drinking societies. In no particular order here are our winners (though I think we can all agree that there are no winners here).

The Green Monsters – Girton

Known for their yearly fight with the Caesareans of Jesus College, the Green Monsters are certainly one of Cambridge’s most notorious drinking societies. Although they are supposedly banned, they certainly hide in plain sight with “Hawaiian shirts so kaleidoscopic that Joseph would’ve definitely sacked his technicolor dream coat for back in day” according to one anonymous source. Their initiations allegedly include “Copious amounts of fluid and goodies to ingest under the strict orders of ‘drinking or voming'”, a “naked Girton to town run” and “1v1 drinking match, locked in a room naked with 10 litres of cider, a bucket (of vindaloo) and mousetraps on the floor. The loser does it again.”

Nothing beats a good old fashioned brawl on Jesus Green

In terms of swap scandals, the Green Monsters are reputed to “hold the record for fastest time to get the police called to a swap at 17 minutes #clowns2k15GLads” and they are “banned from Clowns, Curry King, Nana Mex and Gardies.” One source stated that the ‘general theme’ for a Green Monsters swap is “arrive 45 mins late, chanting, too drunk to form coherent sentences, break some stuff, throw some food, girls leave in record times (official record holders for this), get kicked out/do a runner a bit later when or just before the police turn up.”

Swap carnage

The Blaggards – Homerton

This Homerton drinking soc apparently has some outrageous initiations with one source telling us “A guy on my corridor who they were initiating got dragged out of his room by a crowd of them, then was handcuffed, had his room searched and they took his mattress. Then he was searched and then dragged off to places unknown. They had to remain drunk for something like 36 hours. Heard he turned up at Sidgwick site in a somewhat bedraggled state a few days later.” Another source alleged these initiations consisted of “fabled journeys, if not through space then no doubt through time.” I’m sure the initiates feel as though they’ve been through a wormhole by the time it’s over.

A visual representation of Blaggard initiations

The Crabs – Clare

A drinking society so pretentious that they don’t even swap, the Crabs are identifiable by their ties, blazers and ‘peculiar sideways walk’. Their initiations seem to centre around a mysterious ‘HOLE’ which according to one source gave a boy pleurisy and “THE ROUTE” which apparently includes but is not limited to “staring at the clock in the middle of Clare old court. Carrying a bucket of their own vomit around with them. Wearing a nappy walking blindfolded across a field.” According to our sources “Clare College refuses to acknowledge them, but the Police happily shared some roasted lobster with the ‘lads’ from their bbq on C-sunday last year.”

They must’ve been in THE HOLE.

The Bulldogs – Churchill

The Churchill Bulldogs first achieved notoriety following revelations about their ‘Sinister Swap’, a swap created with the express intent of sharking on naive female freshers chosen after weeks of Facebook stalking. The chosen girls would receive a handwritten invitation requesting their presence at the Pitt Club “under utmost discretion” and the event itself included bra unhooking competitions and increasingly lethal cocktails leading to several girls being taken home in a semi-conscious state by society members. The infamous swap was banned by Churchill College but it sounds like the Bulldogs are still kicking around. Their initiations supposedly involve “Dog food, red wine, nudity, eggs, lentils, latin” and one source said that they were still well-known for “looking like pricks in clubs with Moët and Belvedere.”

Actual bulldog > Churchill bulldog

The Bears – St Edmunds’

A drinking society which began at St Edmunds’ but has now spread to many colleges and is just a society for “athletes and big muscly men”. One source spoke to us about their outrageous initiations, saying “rumor [has it] they defecate on a hill somewhere” and that it is “2 days out” and initiates are required to “think like a bear”. They really do seem to love their bears in this soc, with sources telling us about “bear claw poses”, “bear drinking rules” and “a 6ft teddy bear [that] comes to swaps”. This doesn’t seem to affect their popularity with the ladies however, with claims being made of a “ratio of 1 guy to 3 girls on all swaps”. However their attitudes towards women still seem questionable as one source alleged that “They once watched a video of a receptionist fingering herself.” Rumor has it that one member “uses honey as a lubricant”. A moment of silence for all of his partners please. In terms of famous members, multiple sources have alleged that a former master of St Edmunds’ was a member and that he was “banned from the bar for life for smashing it up one night with the bears.”

Much more fun to sleep with than the St Edmunds’ bears

The Caesareans – Jesus

The namesake of the infamous Caesarean Sunday itself and one half of the participants in the notorious brawl that takes place on that day, of course the Caesareans are on this list. Identifiable by their ties, blazers and ‘friendly faces’, their traditions include the fact that “every year [they] kill [their] praetor in honour of caesar” and that during initiations any initiated member can point at an invited male, or ‘Legionary’ and he must down his drink. There is no limit to the number of times this can be done to any one initiate and rumor has it many don’t make it much past the end of the meal, if they even make it that far.

The battle for Jesus Green

The Wyverns – Magdalene

Though they may have faded out this year due to the demise of their once debauched garden party which by the end of its’ reign seemed more like a sad village fete, the name Wyverns still carries with it connotations of drunkenness and disorderliness. Known for “smashing sinks in restaurants” and  “homosexual encounters” on swaps. One source alleged that there were even “henna tattoos of swastikas on foreheads during initiations” accompanying the infamous 15-course meal fed to initiates which in the past has included pig snout and wasabi sauce, raw chillies, uncooked squid, raw leeks and a pint of water with a live goldfish swimming inside.

Om nom nom

The Cherubs – Queens’

Their initiations allegedly include “The Wine Game” which is a game where  “if you finish the bottle, then the person who handed it to you buys the next one. Continue ad nauseam (literally).” Apparently they haven’t heard of just buying rounds. In terms of their swap record, according to one source “a member was banned from a pub last year after someone did the worm on the table”. One source was also keen to clarify that “the man with the ‘I’m a belieber’ tattoo attributed to the Churchill Bulldogs is actually a Cherub.” We apologise unreservedly for the mix-up.

Apologies, this is definitely a Cherub

The Epicureans – Homerton

Yet another Homerton drinking society, apparently their isolation from town has caused them to go feral. The Epicureans or £pic$ as one source called them seem just as outrageous as the Blaggards. One source said “they just LOVE piss. Can be heard across college after locking themselves in a room, playing Drink Yourself More Bliss on repeat, and downing pint glasses of piss. No one leaves the room or goes to the toilet until the crates of beer are gone.” Charming. They also have highly exclusive membership criteria with one source saying “Membership criteria involve having attended the same school as another member.” They are also known for “Making girls cry (ask the Robinson girlies). Making the girls leave before the food arrives (Christs ‘farm animals’ 2015)”. Ladies of Robinson, Christs’ and Homerton for that matter, you have our deepest sympathies.

We can only hope that this person is drinking beer

The Nautilus Club – Trinity

Identifiable by their ties and the trident that their president allegedly wields, this drinking soc’s notorious traditions consist of “the person trialling to be Poseidon (captain) for the next year is called Theseus and, much like the original Theseus, must complete 6 trials. These trials are spread out over the year, and only those who complete them can become Poseidon. These trials are kept secret to the club, although it is rumoured that they culminate in the rebirth of Theseus as Poseidon, in the Trinity fountain.” And those are just leadership trials, the poor initiates have to “drink a bottle of tequila wine, and the final glassful must be drunk from the club’s nautilus shell, from which every former member has drunk” and “must prove their one-ness with the water, and jump into the Cam.”

The ancestral home of the Nautilus Club

So there you have it folks, Cambridge’s most notorious drinking societies, let us know in the poll below who you think is the most outrageous.