Cambridge things we’d throw on the bonfire

Tonight, you’ll be seeing fires going up all over Cambridge. A rather apt visual metaphor for the torture of Week 5, we think. 

Picture the scene: you’ve ignored countless essay deadlines and emails from your DOS wondering where the hell you’ve been, your rent is overdue and your slowly running out of money after too many trips to the Fudge Kitchen, you’ve been rejected from all 50 internships you’ve applied for, oh, and not to mention all your friends hate you because you now think it’s acceptable to finish an essay at pres.

We understand. At this stage of term, you hate absolutely everyone and everything. And while the mere bitching about our problems might give us contentment earlier on in term, at this stage, everything that’s plagued and tortured your sorry, essay-ridden Cantabridgian life must finally slash and burn.

A quick caveat before we begin. The Tab is using burning and fire strictly as a metaphor for strong disdain and in no way encourages the burning of living, sentient, or private and public property of any kind.

Use fire responsibly. Like we do.

So forget the fireworks display you’ll be seeing in Cambridge’s skies tonight. Because, quite frankly, we know there’s a lot you’d rather see going up in flames…

Week 5 

Everything goes crazy in week five, so it’s appropriate that Bonfire night falls into it every Michaelmas. The walk to the faculty each morning is no longer a pretty wander through Kings but an arduous slog you wish you would end, and even then you’re faced with the burden of all the books you constantly have to return to the library because of their stupid three day borrowing period (fuck you History faculty). 

Screw having your shit together. It is perfectly acceptable in the face of all the deadlines you are behind on to want to just sit in a duvet cocoon for the rest of term (especially since Cambridge is basically sub-zero at the moment).

All of your essays come back in red pen, and you pretend to be disheartened but really you knew they were shit anyway. Throw them on the bonfire with the entirety of Week5. And for that matter, Week 6. And Week 7, and Week 8, and Lent, and Exam term, your sorry degree, and your disappointing, underwhelming life. Stay cheerful with The Tab. 

Oh, and, by the end of Week 5, the flames encompassing the whole world will be so destructive that even the inward-nature of the Cambridge bubble won’t be able to ignore them:

Can you feel the hot air?

Shit Accommodation

Fuck so called ‘tradition’: everything in Cambridge is falling apart. Maintenance now seem to use ‘historic architecture’ as a reason why you can’t have double glazing in your room so have to wear six layers of clothing just to write an essay. It has to go.

And your rooms are only the half of it. Most college gyp-rooms are equipped with induction hobs and microwaves because they think we camrbidge students have too little common sense to be near an open flame. Prove them right and throw all the crap kitchen appliances you have on the bonfire: after all, you might as well use the Kitchen Fixed Charge to buy a bit of Kindling. They couldn’t tell you where else all that money goes.

Not in the prospectus.

Networking (and your entire future)

There are few things more disheartening than being rejected from every single grad scheme or internship you apply for. Sure, you filled out the application when you were hungover but thought they would see through your one-dimensional responses to ‘Why do you want to work for *insert generic, soul sucking corporate firm here*. Yes, all applications are online today: computers may be harder to set on fire but you can damn well try.

As if the onslaught of soul-sucking buzzword yielding fiends who turn up to Cambridge Career fairs aren’t enough, it’s the students that parrot ‘Passion’, ‘Enthusiasm’, and ‘Globalised markets’ themselves. Screw Cambridge’s many business societies, and you know, all their darn prospects. Destroy the competition now before you have to face them in all of their smugness at an assessment centre.

Christmas 

The early onset of Christmas is one of the worst things about Cambridge. By Week 6 we all have Christmas trees, tinsel and a christmas dinner. The booking for Christmas formal was more stressful than shopping in London on Christmas Eve, and the system crashes every time, whilst dressing up as a slutty reindeer for bop before December has even begun is just unacceptable. We need to calm the fuck down and throw Bridgemas on the bonfire before it even begins.

Fake snow burns and doesn’t melt. What does this say about Capitalism? The Tab here to report all the serious issues. 

We don’t actually want to destroy Christmas, just force people to chill when it’s only November

Romance

If you’re still in a relationship from before you came to Cambridge you probably want to cut the ties and be free. For others who embarked on the single life at Cambridge, you’re already sick of that guy you got with in week three in Cindies who won’t leave you alone, and the fun of Tinder has worn off now you’ve swiped left on everyone in a three mile radius.

Basically, whether you’re in a relationship or not, men (and women) are shit. Throw all chances of a relationship and romance on the bonfire and be your own strong, independent person. Relationships always end anyway, sometimes with more painful incidents than burning. 

Print Journalism  

Whilst we ran our own print edition earlier this term (casual plug), apart from one off editions, Print Journalism is pointless. News is instant and online, and come on guys, you’re killing the environment. Help the bonfire burn by chucking your unread print newspapers that you’ve been using as a coaster all term.

Oh, and, not to mention, sometimes Newspapers just go ahead and die themselves, spontaneous, self-combustion style. Sorry TCS.

Too soon?

The Tab 

Need we say more?

Have a wonderful Guy Fawkes’ Night, Cambridge. Remember to maintain safety for yourself and others at all time, so you can enjoy all of the flames and burning for just one night.

Before Cambridge sets in again.