Agony Aunt Shearme: Vacation Vexations

Despite it being the festive season, Christmas can be a troublesome and lonesome time for Cantabs.

Many of you have been mulling over your problems, and sent them in for some advice that your DOS or Senior Tutor wouldn’t dare ( probably for good reason) give you. You can join in on the fun by emailing your problems to [email protected].

It’s time to take a look at which winter worries have being plaguing Cantabs in this Yuletide special of Agony Aunt Shearme:

Dear Agony Aunt Shearme,
I’m really bored now that I’m back home. I feel like I used up all of my festive cheer for Bridgemas and all I have to keep me company are relatives that make fun of me because I’m “so made in Cambridge” now, and friends that simply can’t keep up with me anymore. What do I do whilst waiting to go back up to Cambridge?
Yours,    Confused Cantab

Dear Mx Cantab,
It seems you’re suffering from the realisation that Cambridge life is simply better than life outside the bubble. It’s a common ailment, which explains why many people undertake poorly-paid PhDs instead of well-remunerated consultancy jobs.

Your non-Oxbridge family will now “gently” tease you about how you’re a big deal at Cambridge now, and quite frankly you shouldn’t judge them for their jealousy –  try and pity them instead.

Your friends simply will seem dull and tedious compared to your amazing new Cambridge friends, and like old toys you should probably leave them behind. You’re clearly moving up in the world, and your social circles should reflect that. Obviously, don’t cut them all out. You’ll want to keep a few in your life to remind you of how far you’ve come.

People need to know you move in higher circles now.

Hopefully this will help. One strong piece of advice would be to avoid anyone who is “so happy they got rejected form Oxbridge”. Their self pity will simply make you wish you were one of the babies King Herod killed instead of the baby Jesus.

Dear Agony Aunt Shearme,
I’m a fresher and my supervisor has set me an absolute fucktonne of work to do over the Christmas period but in all honesty, I couldn’t be shitted. It’s bloody Christmas and I just want to get smashed on the sherry whilst watching Her Majesty’s Christmas message. Is it too late to switch to something easy like English?
Yours,     Stumped Student

Dear Mx Student,
I hate to be the one to point out the obvious, but you are at Cambridge. There is a reason why we consistently top the UK rankings, and come damn near pole position globally. As a supervisor once said to me, this is not the Christmas vac, but “Private Christmas revision time”.

Then again, the same supervisor also said that “you’re here to get a degree, but also an education” – remember that there’s more to life than the nuances of some text.

Maybe one too many sherries there

You should by all means chill your beans over Christmas – as I said before, there’s a reason why we consistently top rankings, and it’s because we cram 3 months of study into 2. We have midnight essay crises, reading lists longer than your Christmas list, and work flat out to (try) and do all of that. Don’t be up working later than Father Christmas this Christmas Eve – you need time to rest from all of that, and prepare for next term.

In terms of switching subjects, even if you *really* hate your workload, supervisors, or subject in general it’s probably not worth swapping to English. A little bit of hard work with a real degree now for job prospects later on in life is a good trade-off.

Dear Agony Aunt Shearme,
I’m finding that my sex life has really died since going down for the vac. The lack of cheesy Wednesday night Cindies means that my one-liners don’t work out, tinder is simply full of local townies, and there’s no freshers for me to shark. How do I keep my, *ahem*, turkey stuffed over the Christmas break?
Yours,     Craving Coitus

Dear Mx Coitus,

Unless you spent your younger years enjoying “the spoils of an all-male boarding school”, you’re probably having more sex in Cambridge than you did before. Moving back home can be hard, and you’re not alone in missing having your pigs in blankets, your wine mulled, or your pies minced so much.

Think of all the puns…

There’s not much advice I can give, other than to find something to distract you (maybe some work?). If you’d like a list of sexual christmas puns though to make you confusedly aroused and amused then do write in again – I’ll give you “don’t play with your Christmas baubles too much” for free.

Remember, if you, or your loved ones suffer from a Cambridge problem, ask for advice by emailing [email protected]:

I’ve got 99 problems and Cambridge is every single one

Agony Aunt Shearme is waiting for you.