Cambridge College Tinder Bios

Let’s face it, courtship is hard.

Modern dating has more in common with Versailles than it has with the sexually liberated 1960s. So socially anxious Cantabs (including the author) turn to Tinder as the way forward. Would you swipe right for your own college? Give them a cheeky superlike? Or par them off with a leftward flick?

Trinity

Don’t be put off by my imposing exterior. I’m a gentle giant, happier in the lib than in the club. I’ve got dolla to burn so how about Chop House? Swipe right and maybe you’ll find out what lies beyond the great court.

St. John’s 

If red is the colour of lust, then I’m as seductive as they come. I may be close to the Union but it is beyond debate that I’ve got a spare ticket to the seventh best party in the world, be my date?

Queens’ 

If I’m clever enough to build a bridge without nuts and bolts, then you can only imagine my witty flanter (Stephen Fry did go here after all). Come for a Brunch date, we’ll sample the Queens’ Eight, and I’m sure you’ll want to be more than a mate.

The author can attest that Queens’ is indeed ‘lit’.

Pembroke 

I’m so hot I can’t hold on to money without setting it alight, so I guess I’m pretty fiery. I cook up a storm behind closed doors, my formal is legendary. Come and have a taste?

Corpus 

Ever heard of the Corpus clock? Well I know what makes you tick.

Sidney

Small and close to Sainsbury’s, I’m bound to be a hit with food lovers and avid pre-ers alike. I’m as cute as Andrew from Bake Off , as brainy as Carol Vorderman and as edgy as Oliver Cromwell. Let’s start a revolution together, I’m sure it’ll be a good bake. We’ve even got ovens, fancy cooking up something spicy?

Peterhouse

I may be compact, but let’s just remember the best things come in small packages. Everyone knows everyone, so look no further if you want notoriety. We’ll be the Kimye of the Deer Park.

You beg borrow and steal your way into Peterhouse

Fitzwilliam 

Calling all (winter) ballers, venture up the hill to my grey lair to sample the cream of the pool. Our alumni may not be famous, but they sure are powerful, ambitious Cantabs should look no further.

Girton

If you’re looking for an exotic beauty with rock hard, cycling-honed thighs, then look no further (it’s really not that far, I’ll pay for your taxi!).

Christ’s 

I put the ‘stud’ in bible study, it’s in the name. I’m as close to the clubs as you can get, so only ballers need apply. We all know Charles Darwin’s our most famous alum so all I can say is I’m pretty hot on my anatomy.

Jesus

I’m a demon on the sports field but an angel in the bedroom, So I’m sure we’ll be a match made in heaven. I’ve got a famous equine mascot, so I guess that makes me a riding enthusiast.

Magdalene

We’ve got jelly wrestling and a white tie ball, an effortless mix of class and sass. Who doesn’t want a bæ who can do both?

If you miss sleeping like a starfish, look no further than Downing

Downing

Our bar is lit, so come and sit, my banter is rather legit. What’s not tempting about double beds and hotel-quality rooms. Let’s face it, I’m probably a lawyer so I’m pretty persuasive, if you want to judge then come and witness it yourself. I promise I’ll make a great case.

Emmanuel

Free laundry keeps me pretty fresh, the outdoor pool keeps me fit, and the short walk to Nando’s keeps me cheeky. My mascot’s a lion, so if you’re looking for an animal who likes Game and Thrones and chill, then swipe right and hear me roar.

Caius

Like our most famous professor I know the secrets to the universe. Swipe right and I’ll show you the stars. Our hall food’s pretty gross, but I own Gardies so I’m always up for cheesy chips and chill. You can be Gonville and I’ll be the keys to your heart.

Homerton

Ever had a crush on your teacher? Well I can certainly teach you a thing or two. I may be far out but I’m pretty too, so come and check out our Harry Potter events, I’m sure I’ll be the horcrux to your Voldemort.

King’s

Roses are red and so is the state, let’s be comrades because you are great. INTJ. Slovenian Proto-Underground-Cyber-Punk enthusiast. Meat is Murder. Jez we can. Peace.

In Soviet King’s, Tinder swipes you

Trinity Hall

I may be the smaller, younger sibling but I compensate by devoting my life to the sesh. They don’t call me Lit Hall for nothing. Our crest may be a crescent, but I’m sure one day you’ll get to see the full moon.

Churchill

If I can conquer the hill, I can conquer your heart. I’m a science whiz, so I’m pretty sure we’ll have chemistry. Solve the equation, I’m the solution.

Clare

I’m pretty, clever and vastly oversubscribed, so you’ll have to fight off the competition to be my date to Ents. Only someone who shares a college with Sir David Attenborough could be such an expert on natural behaviours.

Murray Edwards

If you’re bored of central college girls, then come and taste the difference. Swipe right and if you’re lucky I’ll take you home to the dome. Disclaimer: Bike required.

Newnham

I blazed a trail for women’s equality, but now I\m looking to do the same to your heart. If you’re sick I’ll take you to Newnham Walk, if you’re bored we can stroll about the garden. I’ll be your Eve, tempt me.

What’s not to love?

Robinson

If you’re looking for a modern Cantab who bops to the top then look no further than me. If you get to know me red brick by red brick you’ll find out that being pooled doesn’t mean you don’t know how to party.

St. Catharine’s

I’m the college of colleges, close to Sidge, Cindies and Sainsbury’s. Jeremy Paxman’s an alum so I assure you I’m no pushover. My crest is a wheel so take me for a spin?

Selwyn

Sidgwick and I are one and the same, my snowball invites universal acclaim. Be the Fry to my Laurie? (He went here dontcha know?)

Just remember, one does not simply find ‘friends’ on Tinder. You get what you swipe for.