Which Peep Show character is your college?

Peep Show is undoubtedly the greatest piece of television in the history of human endeavour, while also perhaps being the bleakest watch that can be classified as a comedy.

Much like Cambridge life, we find ourselves in limbo between laughter and existential despair.

Are you Mark or Jez is the most common fan question (the answer is invariably a bit of both), but a better one is what character is your college? That’ll become clear later, like the French Revolution…

King’s – Ollie

The sweaty grip of the moron

Oh sure the ironic communism thing seems fun, but then everyone takes it a little to seriously. After all, there are systems for a reason in this world. Economic growth, interest rates. It’s only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you’re not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth.

Now go on, fuck off.

Pembroke – Jeremy

*sobs*

While you might be deceptively rich thanks to Dolby’s nest egg (which we’re eating like a mad chicken), in reality you’re an utter mess of a college. Trying to combine academic success and a regular lash has caused a mental breakdown or three. Also the college of the writer, who thought he knew what he was doing with his life but hasn’t got a fucking clue.

Peterhouse – Mark

Jez’s stuffier, albeit more stable roommate. On the outside you’re a venerable respectable college but deep down there’s a bitter self loathing produced by your mediocre Tompkin’s table performance. You’re like a captain, solemnly going down with his ship….

Trinity – Johnson

Cause I’m the big man…. and you’re a shit heel, right?

Rich, handsome, charming and gorgeous, the crème de la crème of colleges. Shame you’re almost certainly a total mentalist with a serious alcohol problem. More fool you asshole.

Christ’s – Angus

Can I have a glass of water?

All he talks about is Christ. It’s as annoying as your constant pleas to be included in these articles.

Tit Hall – Jerry

WATERBOARD

‘I’m the new improved you!’, except you aren’t Tit, you’re just a wanker

Jesus – Matt

Live and breath sport, the whole college is basically a gym (Cuppers doesn’t compensate the Tompkins guys), so you may as well be a personal trainer. Shame about the pool pooing though…

St John’s – Big Suze

Two words, Mental Posho

Churchill– – Jeff

You Twat

As in Jeff?!? A bleak piece of male dominated, FHM reading wasteland. Honestly just looking at this college gives me the same feeling of revulsion I get when looking at Jeff’s twatish facial expressions. They might also have murked us in Rugby.

Medwards – The Band

Curse These Metal Hands, Spunk Bubble, The Hairblair Bunch. All it takes for a Medwards name change is a neat £30 million donation. Hardly likely to get a record deal, but some might say as challenging as the epoch defining ‘Outrageous’. New Hall, Murray Edwards and now maybe (Wo)Man Feelings?

Queens – Sophie

Ever been to Queens toilets on Bop night?

As nice normal college right? An eclectic mix of nanna’s cottage and class A drugs? Well no, just like Sophie it’s falling apart bit by bit. As bit by bit it falls into the Cam, we’re reminded of Sophie, vomiting in a toilet, in the Fuckbunker.

Lucy Cavendish – Sophie’s Mum

Suck mummy’s finger?

Newnham – Dobby

Let me chew on your weird hair

A quaint and lovely little college. Probably the type to carry personal cheese and simultaneously smash the patriarchy. The anxious, self hating man’s crumpet, just don’t tell them that.

Girton – Han’s Girlfriend

It’s the facking dirt

That’s no college man, that’s the love of my life. We don’t know exactly where she’s from but presumably it’s miles off. Girton folk are so different that communication can be an issue, so if you encounter them in Thursday Lola’s (apparently they like that) you’re best sticking to hand signals, sexy hand signals.

Clare – Jeremy’s Mum

Pretty and innocent, but overall not that important. But still, on the sophisticated end of the college spectrum, the sort of college you’d buy in John Lewis.

Corpus Christi – Big Lovely Stu

Welcome to big school

Translates as ‘Body Of Christ’. Look at those arms, like two bows of sturdy english oak. You’d just feel so safe… (also a monk)

Homerton – Gerrard

Bet he was mad about the bus route cancellation

Tube up his nose, tube up his nose. Look, let’s be honest, if Homerton suddenly died of flu, we wouldn’t be surprised. That is so Homerton.

Fitzwilliam – Super Hans

Your average Fitz student by 7pm on a Thursday

It’s the heart of darkness Jez, it is the fackin dirt. Well, the architecture isn’t too terrible but likelihood is you’re a crack addled maniac, only putting the pipe down for the odd key of ket on your regular Turf visits. Big Beats are the best, get high all the time.

Well there’s the article, and if you can’t handle it, you can just.. you know… fuck off.