The Tab’s Guide of Do’s and Don’ts for Caesarian Sunday

It’s the start of Easter term and Caesarian Sunday has crept around again: the day feared by senior tutors and lusted over by Daily Mail photographers.

This yearly pre-exams piss up can get pretty messy, so get your red chinos on and follow this tried-and-test, certified guide to a successful Sunday.

DO make a Caesarian Sunday schedule. There’s nothing worse than getting plastered at 9 o’clock in the morning to realise no one is going to Jesus Green until 2pm.

DON’T do any work. Set aside your exam-orientated self-hating self for one day and don’t revise. You’ve got a month until your first exam so you’ll be fine *light chuckling turns into heavy sobbing*

DO strategically drink. If you’re planning on staying a steady level of drunk all day without tipping yourself over the edge or triggering an early on-set hangover, make sure you drink small amounts at steady intervals throughout the day. Remember: it’s a marathon, not a spirit-fueled sprint.

A sea of intoxicated Cantabs

DON’T get set on fire. Don’t be that guy.

DO get with your exam term crush. Sunday is the last chance for many until after exams to make a move on the fit Engineer you see around college who smiled at you once in hall and now you think he’s in love with you. Whether it evolves into a revision period romance, or a case of awkward library avoidance, you’ll never know unless you try.

DON’T get papped by the Daily Mail. If phone conversations with Nana weren’t awkward enough, wait until she sees you licking whipped cream off a Caesarian whilst blindfolded on Jesus Green.

Smiling through the exam term pain

DO look after your friends (or just anyone in need). Every Caesarian Sunday is bound to result in a number of fallen comrades, so get your Florence Nightingale hat on and a bucket ready – I’m sure they’ll appreciate it one day.

DON’T be the friend who gets put to bed at 9pm.  If you don’t fancy being resented by your friends for ruining their last night out before heading into Stress City, don’t be the one who needs to be carried home whilst sobbing James Blunt lyrics.

DON’T get into trouble. Alcohol + the presence of police officers + the urge to steal one of their hats = a bad idea. I’ve never tried revising in a police cell but I can’t imagine it’s a particularly productive environment to work in.

A clear example of a serious altercation between student and police officer

DO strategically nap. This tip goes hand in hand with strategic drinking – if you can master a perfect combination of the two, you’ll have the drunken stamina to last all day and all night. Just have your Berocca ready to go in the morning.

DO leave me alone if you’ve just had prelims. I am an incredibly bitter person and being around drunken stress-free people right now brings me out in hives.

DON’T run into your DoS. Trying to discuss Allan’s views on parliamentary sovereignty and the rule of law is difficult enough sober let alone doing so completely smashed.

Jesus Green or that jungle scene from Mean Girls?

DON’T schedule a supervision for Monday morning. Cambridge is punishing enough, don’t put yourself through anymore unnecessary hardship.

DON’T go if you’re from John’s. If you’ve forked out a fair bit for that signet ring, getting kicked out now might be a bit of a pain.

Now go forth and make mistakes – you can use them as gossip-fodder for the next 5 weeks of utter boredom and sobriety.