Why you should accept your kinks

In my experience, fetishism, or having a fetish, is seen in quite  a negative light- you hear it in conversations concerning pretty rogue types of porn, used improperly as an insult, and in every other sentence on my rather shit essays on Marx and economy in a failed attempt to make them sound rather less shit.

However, I think we should start defining having a fetish for something as simply meaning  that you obtain a degree of sexual pleasure from it, whether it’s BDSM, the famously phallic nature of the UL, or even something as intimate as kissing or touching another person. In light of this, I decided to spend this week asking around to see what exactly turns different people on in an attempt to both find out what the most common kink in Cambridge is, dispel these negative stereotypes.

Nothing wrong with fancying a farmyard sex doll

Out of everyone I talked to, being dominant, or having someone else dominate you, was the most popular answer. Domination and submission has always been a very common kink, maybe because it relies on something as physically and mentally stimulating as power dynamics to give sexual pleasure. Being in control, or being controlled, puts you in the position of being utterly focused on the other person in all manner of scenarios which can be really intense and exciting.   And despite the FAKE NEWS given to us by novels like 50 shades of grey, it is also genderless and doesn’t have to be unrealistic and misogynistic!

A number of cisgendered straight men I asked described how much women being in control of sexual situations, with things as simple as constant intense eye contact to choking and physical restraint was a turn on: ‘Once she’d ripped my clothes off and pinned me against the wall, I knew the hour long queue at Cindies was worth it’.

Regardless of whoever you are and whoever you sleep with, the dynamic of control can be really exciting and as long as everyone is having a good time, exploring the idea of having a dom and a sub using things like roleplay, sex toys, just whatever you have to hand ( I once used the belt of my kimono in place of rope to tie someone to my bedpost- and it was not nearly as wanky as it sounds) you should go for it!

No kimonos or feminist BDSM situations in sight- angry reacts only

However, there  were also answers that one of my friends described as a bit ‘wet’. Things traditionally associated with romance and intimacy, such as passionate eye contact, the feeling of someone else’s body or having really slow sex were also very common, despite the fact that most of the people who volunteered these answers weren’t necessarily in love with or at least in a relationship with the last person they slept with.  That was just what turned them on, which is just as valid as being into being spanked as something that gives you sexual pleasure, and very importantly, you can enjoy both- most people have a wide variety of kinks and all of them should be celebrated.  Also, I think it’s important to realise that although sex and love can be intertwined  with one another, the type of sex you like doesn’t necessarily reflect your feelings towards another person. To put it simply, as I overheard on the way to the UL last week: ‘I’ll be gagged on the floor one moment and be a soppy twat with him in Nero the next’.

Choking one moment, sipping an iced latte the next

Accepting, enjoying, and actually getting the chance to talk about our kinks, whatever they may be, is just as important  as destroying the image of a fetish being seen as something that is exclusively BDSM related- there are so many things that can turn us on and make us feel good, some of which you won’t know about until you actually try them.  And all of this (as long as it’s v legal) is valid and should be celebrated!