SHIT COLLEGE 2017: the far away ones

United by their dubious architecture and wilderness location, these colleges all too often bear the brunt of the mocking. So brace yourselves, oh outlying colleges, for the onslaught of some more.

We’ve all heard the usual insults of how Girton’s so far away it’s basically not even in Cambridge and Fitz is so ugly it looks like a prison. So done, so blasé. It’s time to get deep down and personal with these colleges, with inside revelations into their true shitty nature. And, before you get sanctimonious, we’re releasing a Shit Central College version next week, in the name of SERIOUS and unbiased journalism.

Without further ado – here are the top ten shittiest outlying colleges.

Girton

It almost seems too cruel to make fun of something that should deserve our unrestrained pity. Having lost their only central site, they have severed their final direct link to Cambridge. Farewell Girton, until next Caesarian Sunday, when you descend on Jesus Green as it’s your only time to shine, then get wankered and do stupid things. You may have a pool, and not just one of your own tears, so maybe that, and the fact that you’ll survive a nuclear strike to the centre of Cambridge, are your means of dealing with your otherwise unenviable situation.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye…

Homerton

The other outcast of Cambridge, and thank the Lord, because this is a college that deserves to be quarantined. Full of wannabe teachers (dreadful bores), thesps (dreadfully arrogant) and the dregs of the winter pool; they can’t even throw a bop without someone vomiting on themselves, shitting themselves, and fucking up the flower beds whilst they’re at it. This poor college – in every sense of the word – could only get new rowing equipment through breaking the world record for continuous rowing. The uni has given up on Homerton, having cancelled the Uni 4 bus route, and frankly we can all sleep a little better at night, knowing that they can’t reach us.

Churchill

A college that gets a lot much stick for being misogynistic, but that’s because it is entirely dominated by bland, white guys that have less edge than its hideous ‘brutalist’ architecture. It may boast the largest grounds, but this is pretty pointless as it’s largely taken up by fields for sports that most of the STEM guys who go there don’t even know how to play.

#brutalism #aesthetic

Fitzwilliam

Wow, there isn’t really much more to say about this college apart from their really hideous buildings. Resembling a barracks, this is the most depressing maze you could ever have the misfortune of getting lost in. This is a college that only exists because it was set up with funds from colleges such as Trinity and John’s, probably so Fitz would take the students they didn’t want, and the only thing Fitz is known for is wanky guys who try to climb the fence to get into Medwards.

Literally just a prison from which you can’t escape

Lucy Cavendish

Firstly, where even is Lucy Cav? It’s considered by some to be even lamer than Girton and Homerton, because at least there you get the chance to mingle with the opposite sex. Congratulations on being the bottom of the Tompkins table almost every year. Rumour has it someone got an offer from Lucy Cav and Durham, and went to Durham instead. Need I say more?

Newnham

This is literally a girls boarding school, and everyone who is at Newnham knows it. Don’t pretend that you applied for the pretty gardens or the ‘supportive female atmosphere’ – you probably got pooled and would rather be anywhere else. The food sounds questionable too, since even though your college is 5 minutes from Sidge, people would rather eat at the Buttery there than go back to Newnham.

Wolfson

Wolfson is so unremarkable that it’s only contribution to the world was to produce the former Tab Theatre Editor (but better known as a general arsehole) Milo Yiannoupoulos. Really, your college is that shit, that your only famous alumnus is Milo.

Murray Edwards

Otherwise known as ‘Hurry Bedwards’. The drinking society is cringe and the buildings looks like a concrete monstrosity. You may call the the Dome home but it would look more at home at a nuclear power plant site. Honestly, the gardens are nowhere near being nice enough to make up for how shit the rest of the college is overall.

Spot the difference

Robinson

Just full of private school outcasts right? For those who wanted to go to John’s but didn’t get in, so there are probably more red chinos than brain cells in Robinson. It’s impossible to hold a May Ball in Robinson without just accepting that it will look like some second-rate, secondary school prom. To sum up – the whole college is utter crap.

St Edmund’s

Erm… Who? St Edmund’s are basically the aliens of Cambridge. We heard that you are out there somewhere, but any attempts to make contact have been hitherto unsuccessful.

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