How to be the most hated person in Cambridge

So you’ve finished exams: you can close all the tabs on your laptop of unread articles, return your unopened library books, and get ready for everyone to secretly hate you. 

Fear not, for I am hated too. Here are a few tips on how to deal with it.

Tip 1: Get out

As someone who has just finished their exams, you will find yourself in an odd sort of limbo state: no longer needing to spend all waking hours in the library or crying in a ball in your bed, but unable to fully celebrate. Leaving Cambridge is a necessity. Get out – as far out as you possibly can (I chose Amsterdam but suggest you try Alaska).

The blur adds authenticity

Get away from the weekend bin-man playing acoustic versions of your favourites from the Jungle Book soundtrack, away from the constant army of tourists and, most importantly, away from your friends (turned slightly bitter frenemies) who, while happy for your finishing, are ready to snap if you mention one more time how many hours of sleep you’ve had.

Tip 2: Engage in pretentious cultural activities

Nothing says obnoxious Cambridge student on holiday like taking pictures in front of a made-in-China-printed-wallpaper-version of your favourite famous painting being sold in the stall outside of the art gallery in which the actual painting can be found. For an extra student touch, why not hide some Heineken cans under a bin for later consumption while you go into the art gallery and fail to find said painting.

I love Picasso

Tip 3: Give yourself some TLC 

We all lose it a bit during exam term – the nutritious meals become fewer, me-time becomes why-me-Lord-why-time, and pampering is minimal. Take advantage of this time to relax and engage in anything from eating your bodyweight in pizza, to binge-watching Louis Theroux documentaries, to whispering sweet nothings to ducks.

May ball ready

Tip 4: Revert to your younger self 

Most of us (and all of us verbally to fit in with the social norm) aren’t thrilled with how our exams went. At this point, it can be useful to make yourself feel slightly superior. Comparison is a good way to do this. However, in a place where everyone is essentially better than you, the only person left to compare yourself to may just be your 8 year old self.

I’ve come far since the days of revealing my mother’s alcoholic tendency to my year 2 form tutor

If all else fails, you can at least marvel over how neat your handwriting was in the days before having to write 4 essays in the space of 3 hours.

And finally, don’t write a Tab article gloating about being exam-free.