How to club like a decent person

Week five blues have passed, the week six slog begins, and in true repressed fashion I have decided to channel those emotions into something much more productive: rage.

Given the prevalence of club nights recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the things that annoy me on a night out. And boy, do I have a laundry list of complaints. Below is a slightly histrionic list of do’s and don’ts so you too can conform to my authoritarian notions of organised fun.

The cheery smiles of a group of gals who followed the rules!

DON’T take up the whole dance floor. I know you and Giles have put your gilets on specially for the occasion but there’s no need to form a dance circle big enough to perform a Satanic ritual in, especially if you’re big people and keep thrusting your elbows outside the circle. I will just elbow you back.

On the other hand: DO accept that it is a club, and there isn’t a lot of room. You chose to be here, so you can’t have a face on the entire evening because some lad in head to toe Puma is slightly too close to you and you have to wait ten minutes for a drink. That's the way the cookie crumbles hun.

DON’T start twerking in a crowded space. Putting your centre of gravity that low and knocking into stranger’s shins in a repetitive fashion will just make the temptation to knock you over almost irresistible.

DO stay in the club for enough time to make it worth the entrance. Only if you got in for free is it acceptable to leave before two. Unless there’s an emergency. “Feeling tired” is not one of these reasons. Using this every time we go out is not an excuse, and quite frankly it’s also my time and money you’re wasting.

If you have long hair, DON’T think that I want to interact with it. There’s very little in this life worse than someone’s plastic-y feeling, carefully straightened mop constantly tickling your back. Tie it up. Please. (In addition, people just get their hands stuck in it or, even grimmer, it gets caught in people's armpits. Resist.)

DO remember that some of us are under five foot four and, as such, are perfect elbow height. Adjust “throwing your hands in the air” accordingly (I write this with a fat lip).

A broken woman.

If you are a man, please DON’T hang out outside the women’s toilets. In the words of Lola’s best bouncer, “it’s just f*cking weird now lads”.

DO make sure you're drunk enough when going into the club. I have no idea what sober clubbing's like when you're teetotal, but if you sober up whilst in the middle of heaving mass of drunkards I can guarantee you'll be contemplating violence within five minutes.

Adobe images has a very idealised view of group events

DON’T try and look cool when all the vintage tunes come on. You are not too good for Britney and you’re certainly not above Rick Astley.

Lose your sense of dignity and just enjoy it. But only according to my rules xoxo