Which Eurovision song is your college?

Malta: Emmanuel

Malta’s performance was a bit wet because the singer, Michela, had on a raincoat and it included the lyric ‘given me water, I’m a swimmer’. This is Emma because they have a swimming pool and a duck pond, and are also presumably a bit wet as a result.

Albania: Corpus Christi

The gold bits on the singer’s dress reminded me of the corpus clock. I don’t know what the lyrics meant but the singer sounded the way I feel when I try and walk in front of the corpus clock and the route is blocked by tourists.

Czech Republic: Peterhouse
This band were called Lake Malawi but were from the Czech Republic, which is the kind of terrible geography you can expect from a college that doesn’t let geographers in.

Germany: for sister colleges in O*ford
This song was about having a not-so-friendly rivalry and the line ‘I tried to hold you under/But honey you kept breathing’ really resonated with those of us who have a vehement hatred of O*ford.

Russia: St John’s
Every Johnian reading this article knew this was coming, Russia are villains and so are John’s. I have a personal vendetta against St John’s because I had a bone broken by someone who goes there so I take deep satisfaction in this one.

Denmark: Trinity
This act had a big chair in it and similarly Trinity is a massive college. Don’t think it has any 10 feet tall chairs in it yet, but you could definitely fit one in easily.

San Marino: Hughes Hall

Does anybody know where San Marino is? Apparently not and similarly I have never met anybody who knows where Hughes Hall is.

North Macedonia: Murray Edwards
This was a bit of a feminist anthem (although not like madly feminist) and I assume the all female colleges are also quite feminist but I don’t actually know because I’ve only ever walked through them.

Sweden: Selwyn
This was quite bland but nice and upbeat and Selwyn students are also quite inoffensive and pleasant. It came weirdly close to winning though so maybe this bodes well for Selwyn in whenever the next bumps is.

Slovenia: Newnham
This performance was properly creepy. The singers just stood uncomfortably close together and sang earnestly at each other and we felt very perturbed. They kind of looked like Victorian ghosts. Thus this is Newnham, because every man I know who has visited Newnham has told me that it was a scary experience.

Cyprus: St Catherine’s
The costumes in this performance had BDSM vibes and Catz’s crest has a torture wheel on it which has also undertones of BDSM and certainly overtones of B and S.

The Netherlands: Downing
This song won but we did not like it very much, although it was quite inoffensive. I feel the same way about Downing, which has done nothing wrong but one time I couldn’t find the entrance and had to walk around the whole college and it means I have a vendetta against Downing now. I ‘d be annoyed if Downing won Eurovision as well.

Greece: Jesus
This performance involved ribbon twirling, fencing and a humongous ball. Jesus is quite sporty so this seemed appropriate but I don’t know how big their balls are if I’m honest.

Israel: Homerton
Israel’s song was called ‘Home’, which is a word that can be found in Homerton. It was quite a forgettable performance as well and Homerton are so far away that most people forget they exist.

Norway: Fitzwilliam
There were hills on the background, representing Fitz’s status as a hill college and Fred, who sang in the Sami language, represents how Fitz is so far away they probably speak a different language there. Also the costumes were dark, like Fitz’s buildings.

UK: Magdalene
This song was called ‘ bigger than us’ and indeed, nearly all colleges are bigger than Magdalene.

Iceland: King’s

This was an anarchist anthem, which was very edgy and clearly quite left-wing. So it represents Kings, who have not lost their reputation despite losing their communist flag.

Estonia: Clare
This was a song of two very separate halves, the bit with the acoustic guitar and gentle orange background and the more exciting bit with lightning. Clare also has two parts, the main college and Mem Court. It sounded like a rip-off One Direction song and Clare, like One Direction has been ripped off by Clare Hall.

Australia: Girton
Girton is very nearly as far away as Australia but I assume they don’t swing about on poles generally at Girton. None of us can ever know for sure though, as we will never make the trek.

Belarus: Robinson
Having been born in 2002 Zena was the youngest performer in Eurovision this year. Robinson are arguably the youngest college as well, if you count Homerton as having existed before it officially became a college.

Azerbaijan: Christ’s
There was a bit where the performer ascended which was probably a lot like the ascension of Christ.

France: Queens’
This performer is apparently quite a well-known YouTuber and Queens’ also has moderate fame because all the tourists like to go and look at the Mathematical Bridge and also the punt tour guides like to tell the aforementioned tourists about all Queens’ famous alumni.

Italy: Sidney Sussex
This was a jolly song that was already popular before the final, having been streamed millions of times. Sidney is a friendly college and is popular with those who want to live as close as possible to a medium-sized supermarket.

Serbia: Trinity Hall
This was a very bland song and Tit Hall is a bit of a bland college, even the fact that their crest is black and white shows that they are boring.

Switzerland: Gonville and Caius
The lyric about dirty dancing reminded me of the fact that Caius’ previous master did a dab when he left.

Spain: Churchill
The very blocky set was reminiscent of Churchill’s concrete prison. Also come judging, this song was highly underrated, and Churchill is probably underrated too because they don’t get a ton of direct applicants but most people who go there seem to quite like it.