10 tips for a successful college marriage

1. Choosing the right partner

We all know that couple who jumped the gun in freshers' week. The ones who, eager to get ahead of the game, chose their spouse out of the lineup of recognisable faces in Cindies. Perhaps you yourself woke up one day in Michaelmas of first year after a heavy night out, with a raging hangover and a sneaking suspicion that, for the next few years, you'll be a co-parent with that rando who bought you a jaeger bomb.

Choose your partner wisely kids. Think carefully, what do you want out of this relationship? A reliable carer for your future children? Someone you can complain to? Maybe just food? While this partnership may only be temporary, college marriage is a sacred bond that must not be taken lightly.

A happy college couple, it seems.

2. Planning the ultimate proposal

The most important part of college marriage is the proposal. This is your chance to one up all the other college couples. A successful proposal can be bragged about indefinitely, an elaborate one should be mentioned on all possible occasions.

Think about the vibe you’re going for. Something low-key? Why not do it at pres? Clue in all the rest of your mates so that your future spouse can enjoy being the centre of attention.

Want to do something a little bit extra? Why not go all Love Island on this shit and get your friends to spell out ‘Marry me’ with their bodies. This does of course rely on having enough friends to make all the letters, having a vantage point where the potential spouse can look down on it, and not being portered for causing an obstruction.

If you’re really lucky, both you and your spouse will unknowingly plan to propose to each other at the same time on the same day, and will have a unanimous proposal. The bragging possibilities with this one are endless.

3. Seeing other people

It's 2020 people, polygamy is fine. Don't be disheartened if your college spouse is having an affair. Yours is a bond which minor things like feelings and sex cannot come in between. Befriend your spouse's bit on the side, in a show of kindness that will assert your marital dominance. You may even discover that you quite like them. In situations like these, embrace the fact that your marriage has made you a new friend.

4. Explaining your nuptials to the outside world

Be prepared for this one. Apparently, shockingly, other non Oxbridge people think that your marriage is a bit weird. Don't bother trying to explain the system to them. Simply enjoy the confused and slightly panicked reaction of every family member/friend, when you tell them you've got married. Why not go all the way and announce it on Facebook?

5. Accept each other's flaws

Nobody's perfect. Your college spouse will inevitably get on your nerves at some point. Maybe they refuse to wear the fabulously bedazzled Accessories engagement ring you bought them. Maybe they take up all the space on your shared food shelf, meaning that your jar of pesto has to sit precariously on the drinks rack. These are, of course, hypothetical gripes which have nothing to do with personal experience…

As you can clearly see from my face, I have accepted all my husband's flaws.

6. Be supportive

This one is very important. Aside from raising your children together, your main job as a college spouse is to be there for one another. Have they just had a really crap supervision? Listen to them rant for as long as they need, intermittently providing them with cheesy snacks.

Are they suffering from the hangover of all hangovers? This is your chance to prove your worth in the kitchen and make them a deliciously greasy toastie.

Do they have an essay deadline looming? Stop them from feeling alone by telling them how thoroughly effed you also are when it comes to work, and come to the agreement that even if you never achieve anything, when the time comes you can live vicariously through your college kids.

7. Have a plan B

Medics/ Vet Meds, this one is aimed specifically at you. If you're set on marrying a humanities student, accept the fact that your marriage is doomed. Prepare for the unavoidable heartbreak when your college spouse graduates halfway through your degree. Find another person on your course in a similar situation, and agree to remarry when the time comes. This will of course be a lesser marriage, and the void your first spouse has left will never be filled.

8. Decide what type of parents you want to be

It is important to be on the same parental page early on. You don’t want to get halfway through term and realise that your spouse has absolutely no interest in your college kids, while you’ve been putting chocolate in their pidge every week. Decide how involved you want to be.

Do you want to have the odd coffee during freshers week and then revert to saying an awkward hello whenever you see them? Do you want to make them a phenomenal home cooked meal to help combat their first experience of Week 5 blues? Perhaps you want this to be a practice run for any future children you may have, and take an extremely vested interest in everything that is happening in their lives.

This couple is getting a headstart on parenting

9. Make the most of all marriage-related events

Does your college have a marriage formal? Do your friends want to have a mock engagement party, with lots and LOTS of wine? Make the most of all marriage-related events, these are great opportunities to show everyone that your college marriage is better than theirs.

The couple that clubs together stays together

10. Try not to fall in love

The ghosts of a thousand ex-Cambridge students sigh every time a college couple becomes a real couple. College marriage is a bond that exists outside the realm of feelings. If you have fallen for your college spouse, this is it for you, to avoid the dreaded college divorce, you can never break up.

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