How to be a BNOC

I was recently walking down the street with someone who, according to Kindbridge, is a “Rising BNOC”. Unsurprisingly, every five seconds, this happened-

Random stranger: Hi!!!!

Rising BNOC: Hi how are you, how are all these specific things going in your life?

Random stranger: Oh, very good thank you.

Rising BNOC: Good, I’m glad to hear it. See you soon!

Me, after they left: You are such a BNOC.

The walk reached its peak when said Rising BNOC stopped for a catch-up with my SUPERVISOR as I stood awkwardly looking between them, wondering what life had become.

But how is it possible to become a BNOC? Here are some methods…

1. Become an Extreme Thesp

It doesn’t really matter what you do- acting, directing, set design or anything else, so long as you’re constantly at the ADC knowing you’re spending an irresponsible amount of time there as your unfinished and overdue essay looks sadly at you from the corner. You find yourself networking with brand new people at every production cycle, and then constantly trying to catch up with their new projects once it’s over. Given the way of the theatrical world, you realise you have gathered so many new people that the streets become filled with recognisable thespy faces at every turn, thanking you for your talent. Who cares about the play? You’re popular now! On top of that, mere non-thespian mortals are likely to follow you, a fantastic performer, on their socials after they see your show, keeping you in the Instagram feed of your surrounding city.

2. Get creative with social media

Post pictures of yourself unapologetically and relentlessly to clog up the feed of anyone in college stupid enough to Facebook friend you to make yourself memorable. Get tagged in everything by constantly and incessantly photobombing. Make sure you come up on everyone’s suggested friends list by Facebook friending half the university, and constantly comment on and debate with everything you see (maybe like and comment on a few Cumbridges as well, that’ll certainly make an impact). Soon, people will be so used to seeing your face online they will be confused when they see you in the street, actually existing. They’ll all want to be your best mate straight away. It’s simple maths.

3. Get into politics

And get controversial with it, too. Death Penalty? Sure, I back that! (author’s note: I don’t.) CUSU? Nah mate, that’s awful, lemme tell yer why. Like a dutiful HSPS student, learn the ins and outs of politics at both a university and national level; the rest of us are so busy watching Winter Love Island we’re bound to be impressed with you and your knowledge, especially if you quote a law and its subsection. Keep coming up with opinions and telling them to people; although be careful to do your research in great depth at the risk of encountering another political heavyweight…

4. Go out EVERY night

Your bank account will be crying and supervisor will hate you, but anyone who spends ten hours or more a week in the Cindies’ smoking area is bound to become a BNOC. Just keep making conversations with random strangers and other BNOCs to build your reputation. And keep buying rounds and complimenting random people to ensure extra likeability. Become the person everyone says “OMG it’s so weird I ALWAYS see them on nights out” about.

Maybe not when you’re the only people in the entire club…

5. YouTube

Film, film, film. Anything. Especially about how you got into university and how many UCAS points you have. Flaunt it to the internet. Talk about anything innocent sixth-formers will watch, knowing that you are the person who “inspired them to come to Cambridge”. Take that responsibility.  I once saw PaigeY in Jesus JCR and Ibz Mo filling up his water bottle in Wolfson and almost cried on both occasions. It’ll probably give you horrific impostor syndrome, but so long as you create an idealised version of yourself for the world to fall in love with, you’re bound to become a BNOC!

6. University Challenge

Anyone can get on University Challenge, right? Just study a fact book instead of your degree, wear some quirky clothes and make sure you get to the final. Easy. You look dead clever and have become famous outside of your university, which will probably also enhance your job prospects. You just have to remember which books Jane Austen wrote…

7. Boatie-ing

Row, row, row your boat, and get onto the Blues team. Make sure you win the Oxford and Cambridge boat race, too, that’ll make you dead famous. You’ll have the body of an olympian and be well-looked after, and you’ll find yourself going to socials and swaps being showered by adoration. Unfortunately, this excessive amount of time spent on the river may mean you fail your degree, but what’s the issue once you achieve university fame?

8. Freshers’ chats

Break into any freshers’ chat you can and talk, talk, talk. About anything. Tell them weird university traditions. Tell them your experiences. Be the person to answer any question they propose in nervously thought-out text messages, becoming their saviour. Pretty soon, everyone will be ignoring the freshers’ rep and coming to you for advice!

9. Crushbridges

When all else fails, just write them for yourself and make them really, really specific. All your mates will tag you and people will wonder at you in the street, knowing you are that beautiful red-head you wears that yellow coat all day and has a freckle on her left cheekbone… As well as being extremely well-known, you will also make the entire university fall subconsciously in love with you, generating more Crushbridges and a pidge stuffed full of fan letters. (I mean, that’s how it works, right?) 

These are all the methods to become a BNOC I could come up with, and I wish you the very best of luck in following some of them. Unless you decide to spend time actually working on your degree…

Photo: Olivia Christopher