Iconic Christmas movies as Cambridge colleges

It’s that time of year! There’s frost on the windows and Christmas lights sparkling in the square, so bright that they might just be able to re-spark the joy in your heart.

Eight weeks worth of deadlines does tend to take its toll, but we’ve (almost) done it! We’ve conquered week 5 blues, gone to revs an obscene number of times, and subsequently made it to (most of) our 9ams – and for that I say you deserve a reward.

So here it is – because we know how much you’ve just been dying to see your college compared somewhat tangentially to an iconic Christmas movie. At the very least, this is a great selection to add to your to-watch list. You’re welcome.

Home Alone: King’s

Every King’s student is all too familiar with the feeling of strangers trying to break into their home, whether they’re gawking tourists clad in overpriced Cambridge merch or fellow students after 4pm, most likely Churchill students desperately trying to remind themselves why they applied here in the first place. 

Guilty as charged… (Image credits: Ellie Moss)

Die Hard: Jesus

Die Hard is the ultimate non Christmas Christmas movie; the vibes are less cute-festive-holiday spirit and more guns-murder-death. But, since Jesus is atrociously sporty, they take the prize of being the John Mclane’s of Cambridge. If any college was going to wrap a firehose around themselves and jump off a roof, it just would be Jesus. 

Mean Girls: Queens’

We know, we know, it’s not technically a Christmas movie. But you can’t tell us that the jingle bell rock scene isn’t one of the most iconic dance routines of all time, performed by one of the most iconic girl groups of all time. And what says girl power like a college founded by two women? 

Cady would have LOVED the mathematical bridge (Image credits: Ellie Moss)

Love Actually: Newnham

Emma Thompson went to Newnham. Emma Thompson was in Love Actually. I rest my case. 

Walking in the footsteps of giants (Image credits: Eva Weinstein)

It’s A Wonderful Life: Christ’s

Everyone at Christs argues that their lives will be wonderful once they leave Cambridge with the biggest brains of us all. But, really, they more often find themselves drowning in deadlines and wishing that they too hadn’t been born.

The Holiday: Medwards

Much like how neither Cameron Diaz’s or Kate Winslet’s characters expected to spend their Christmas in a stranger’s house, nobody really intended to end up at Medwards. It’s lovely, we’re sure, and maybe you’ll even meet your very own Jack Black there! But, when you opened your acceptance letter, it was a bit of a jump scare. 

Nativity: Lucy Cav

Everyone knows that Lucy Cav is the most chaotic college. Smuggled in dog? check. It’s really only a small step from hiding a dog to stealing donkeys from a petting zoo, and, let’s be honest, the entirety of the Nativity play basically was a rave (see: abseiling down from the ceiling in a massive cardboard moon.)

Says it all really (Image Credits: screenshot via Camfess)

A Christmas Carol: Trinity

I’ve heard the Trinity choir isn’t awful, pretty good in fact. They’re also the richest college, and don’t they just love to make sure we all know it. Scrooge, too is most famous for his bucketloads of money. That, and being no fun, are kind of his only personality traits – the likeness is uncanny. 

The Muppet Christmas Carol: Tit Hall

Trinity may be the richest college, but they are severely lacking in vibes. And the Muppets version of A Christmas Carol absolutely makes up for the lack of fun in its predecessor. 

Tit hall may often be called a lidl version of Trinity, but riddle me this: which one is home to the orgasm bridge? You really just can’t compete with that. 

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas: John’s

Did you know that the lyrics to “Welcome Christmas” were made to sound like classical Latin? Neither did we, but it seems exactly like something John’s would do. Always bringing that extra element of ~intellectualism~ to the table. 

You just know they think they’re better than us with those big gates to keep us out (Image credits: Jess Marais)

The Polar Express: Girton

If you look up the plot of Polar Express, you’ll find it’s about a journey of self-discovery that takes place on a long journey through a cold wasteland devoid of life. Is the joke too obvious? Girton far. 

Little Women: Robinson

Robinson is famed for having “little women”- as of 2020, only 37.9 per cent of their undergrads were female. A screening of Little Women at Robinson, ironically, probably wouldn’t have a great turnout.

The Nightmare Before Christmas: Caius

Everyone seems to agree that Caius is scary, but no one can really explain why. Maybe it’s because their name is a nightmare to spell.

It kind of gives haunted house vibes too (Image credits: Matilda Head)

The Snowman: Homerton

Nobody has ever heard the snowman speak, and nobody ever hears any mention of Homerton. To be honest that’s about all I have to say, and I think that says it all. Harsh but true. 

Elf: Fitz

Okay, stick with us here. We’re getting towards the end of the article and slightly having to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

Fitz’s (only) brag is apparently having the highest point in Cambridge and Elf is… tall? Therefore Elf is kind of the human equivalent to the Olisa Library Tower, a comparison you never knew you needed in your life but we’ve just gifted you. You’re welcome. 

There you go. Because nothing says Christmas spirit like having your college violated in a Tab article.

May the festive spirit be with you! 

Feature image credits: Ellie Moss

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